Thirty Days With Sanji
by dandy wonderous
Summary: Sanji-centric ficlets written on various themes for the 30 onepiece community on livejournal. One post a day for 30 days. Day Thirty-Barrel-Let's play a little game... AND THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE, FOLKS!
1. Beginning

Hey, everybody. As some of you may know, for the last two months I've been participating in Round One of the 30_onepiece's challenge on livejournal. Make a claim (Sanji, in my case) and write thirty fics on various themes. It was really hard, and it pushed my creativity and time management skills (which are mostly nonexistent), but I had a LOT of fun doing it.

Now that I'm done, I'm posting them here on ffn so that you guys can read them. I hope you enjoy!

For once in my life I actually have this whole project done and ready to go now, so I'll be posting one everyday or almost everyday until I've gotten through the whole thing. Some are long, some are short, some are dumb, some are angsty… it's a mixed bag. And by the way, those of you with livejournal accounts, you should go to the community sometime and check out the other stuff on there. Everyone's done a really good job with the challenge. And maybe I'll see some of you in Round Two. ^^

Big thanks to Abra Cadaverous for putting up with Sanji-centric spam for two months and my not-so-occasional whining about not having time to work on this (though I had plenty of time to complain about not having time, I know… XP). You're gorgeous, dear. ^^

This is dedicated to all my fellow Sanji fangirls. Fire, knives, and black silk ties; what more could a girl ask for? ^^

DISCLAIMER: I do not own _One Piece_.

**Title:** Cook's Hands

**Theme:** Beginning

**Words:** 258

**Rating:** G

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** I didn't have to go in order, but ironically I wrote this one first.

**Summary:** It was Sanji's oldest memory, and, if he had to pick one, his most important as well.

**

* * *

**

Cook's Hands

By Dandy Wonderous

It was Sanji's oldest memory and, if he had to pick one, his most important as well.

He was only three years old, sitting on the kitchen counter next to a big bowl. His mother was fishing through cabinets, pulling out different ingredients and spices. In the fuzzy mists of remembrance he could still see her smile, wide like his own, her blonde hair tied up in a bun to keep it out of the way. "We're making chicken curry today, Sanji," she said lightly. He smiled and clapped his hands in excitement, setting her to laughing.

"Always wanting to watch your mom cook," complained his father from the doorway teasingly. He raised one swirly eyebrow at the boy as he shook his head. "Don't you want to come watch your ol' dad build a chair?"

"Oh honey," said his mom, putting a hand on her son's shoulder defensively. "You know he isn't going to be a carpenter."

"He's still a tot; how do you know for sure?"

She turned back to Sanji, leaning her forehead down against his and giving him a butterfly kiss before taking his hands in hers. "These hands aren't meant for working with wood. These are a cook's hands."

And from that moment on he had loved cooking, even after disease claimed his parents. He loved it in the orphanage, and he'd even gotten an apprentice position in a ship's kitchen. And after everything that happened after that, he _still_ loved cooking.

Because his mother had been right; his were a cook's hands.

**The End**

* * *

Happy Halloween everyone!!!


	2. Promise

**Anonymous Reader Reviews!!**

Tioman: (who is more or less anonymous) Thanks! I love bringing things back to Sanji's hands; I have a sort of fetish for them. XP Happy All Hallow's Eve to you as well (technically over in my corner of the world, but whatevs)!!!

**Title:** Prayer

**Theme: **Promise

**Words:** 835

**Rating: **PG

**Warnings: **Mild Language, Mentions of God, Mild Blasphemy (eh… -_-' you'll understand when you get there)

**Notes: **I was mostly thinking of Sanji asking Zoro if he believed in God, and I was like, "So, does Sanji believe in God?" and this happened.

**Summary: **Dear God, it's me, Sanji…

* * *

**Prayer**

By Dandy Wonderous

Dear God,

I know I don't talk to you much, and that I'm probably not worth your time, but if you get me off this rock, I promise I'll never waste food again. And I'll never complain about chores, either. And I won't fight with the other cooks. Well, unless they deserve it. But if you get me out of here, I promise never to deny food to anyone, ever, even if they're my enemy. Just please help me.

I don't want to starve anymore.

* * *

Dear God,

Me again. Thank you for saving me, and the old man. I guess he deserves a lot of thanks, too.

I wanted to add to the promise I made. I promise to help the old geezer with the restaurant he's going to build. I'll become a great chef to help him run it, and I'll get really strong so I can defend it. I owe him my life, so that's what I'll give him.

* * *

Dear God,

It's been a long time, I guess. I'm not a kid anymore, and I can't spend all my time in this restaurant, going nowhere. I have dreams, you know?

I'm not backing out of my promise. More like… the contract's been terminated. And by him, by the way. _He's_ the one kicking me out on my ass. I didn't even want to go.

…Okay, maybe I _did_ want to go. But I wasn't going to until he forced my hand.

So now I'm making a new promise. I promise to take care of this crew I've joined. I promise to keep them well-fed, even if my captain does have a bottomless stomach. And speaking of my captain, I promise to help him find One Piece no matter what. To help all of them reach their dreams, even if it costs me my life. And I'll keep it this time.

Take care of the shit-geezer for me.

* * *

Dear God,

Luffy can't die! Not here! Not now. We're so close to the Grand Line… Please, I'll do whatever you want, just save him!

* * *

Dear God,

I liked the lightning. It was a nice touch.

* * *

Dear God,

Please, I promise to do whatever it takes, just don't let Nami-san die! I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, lost any of them. Please, you can't take my nakama!

* * *

Dear God,

I hope you're taking care of Luffy. I hate leaving him behind, but I promised to help Vivi-chan stop this war, and that's what I'm gonna do.

But if he dies now, does that mean I broke my promise?

Augh, what am I saying? I have no time for thoughts like that. Luffy'll be fine, just like always.

Yeah, I know he will.

* * *

Dear God,

The rain was a nice touch, too. Are you sure you're not just showing off?

* * *

Dear God,

Me not getting a wanted poster was for the show-off comment, wasn't it?

* * *

Hey, Shit God,

I don't know what you've done with my friends (especially Nami-san), but you better give them back (especially Nami-san). If you do anything to hurt them, I swear I'll kick your ass 'til you're mortal. Your pretty sparks don't scare me.

* * *

Dear God,

Okay, I get that that Eneru guy wasn't you; it was just some shitty hammer pretending to be you. So, uh… sorry about that last prayer. Yeah.

* * *

Dear God,

I don't know what happened to Robin-chan, or why she's leaving now, but I do know that she's my nakama, and I'm going to do anything I can to get her back. I _will_ get her back, or die trying. So take care of her 'til I get there.

* * *

Dear God,

Saw the wanted poster. Haha. You're very funny.

* * *

Dear God,

I know he's the marimo, and we hate each other, but please don't let him die. No one's more loyal to Luffy… no, to _anyone_ than he is. He's my nakama, and I can't see him go. I promise that I'll try to be nicer if he lives. And I'll… cut back on cussing. And smoking. Well, maybe just cussing.

Zoro can't die. Please.

* * *

Dear God,

Oh, I get it; it was a two beat joke! Duval was a very funny twist. Ahahaha.

* * *

Dear God,

I suppose that my landing on an island full of transvestites was part of the running gag that you have turned my life into, but I don't really care. What I do care about is that I don't know where my nakama are. I watched them disappear before my eyes, couldn't protect a single one. I tried, but I wasn't strong enough.

I have to get stronger. I have to get strong enough to keep that promise I made, all those promises I made. Never again will I watch helplessly while someone hurts my nakama. Never again will I be a liability. Never again will I lose.

I promise you that.

Sanji

**The End**

* * *

Amen, brotha. ^^


	3. Axe

"Promise," theme number two, has fanart!!! Thanks to IzumiTheMoogle! Check it out at izuhina-chan(dot)deviantart(dot)com(slash)art(slash)Promise-142190168.

**Title:** Woodsman

**Theme:** Axe

**Words:** 960

**Rating: **T (I just noticed I haven't been using ffn ratings; fail)

**Warnings: **Mild Language

**Notes:** This one's one of my favorites. I don't really know why, it just is.

**Summary:** To Sanji's credit, he was a cook, not a woodsman.

**

* * *

**

Woodsman

By Dandy Wonderous

"No, don't mind me. I'm _totally_ okay with being left with _all_ the work setting up camp," Sanji growled, watching his crew scatter in different directions. Franky and Robin had gone off to look at some ruins deeper in the jungle, Zoro and Luffy were hunting and rampaging around, respectively, and Usopp was trailing Nami and Chopper as she surveyed the island and he searched for medicinal herbs. This left the chef alone to start a bonfire (Luffy had declared a feast) and start on supper.

First thing to do: start the fire. He sighed and clambered back onto the _Thousand Sunny_ to fetch the axe, mentally cursing every male in the crew for leaving him alone with the work. Not that he couldn't do it, of course, but it was still a pain in the ass.

Propping the axe on his shoulder, he wandered out to chop some wood.

His search ended when he found a dead tree that had recently fallen. The foliage was so thick the trunk leaned against the ones around it, but it shouldn't be too difficult to chop it into pieces and take it back to the shoreline.

In theory.

He tapped if first experimentally with his foot, but it was clear that it was too thick to kick through without reducing it to splinters. Thus, he readied the axe and started chopping.

Sanji's excuse later for what happened next was that he was a cook, not a woodsman.

He had made several tactical errors in chopping this particular tree, not the least of which was that, if he started chopping through a trunk still mostly suspended in the air, it was going to come crashing down on his head sooner rather than later.

If his reflexes hadn't been so sharp he would have lost a leg.

He sat on his butt, axe fallen next to him, panting and staring at the fallen wood that nearly crushed him. _Oops._

Well, whatever. At least the tree was on the ground now, so that shouldn't happen again.

He got up and carried the axe over to the fallen tree. He hefted it above his head and swung down, but the blade bounced off the bark and jarred his arm to his shoulder. He winced and then glared down at it. It was just his luck that their only axe would choose to get dull _now_.

In frustration, he lifted it, swung it around in one hand, and flung it as hard as he could up toward another tree. To his shock, it sank into the bark, some twenty feet above the ground, and stayed there.

He gaped at it for several minutes.

"What… the… _hell_!?!"

But gaping was getting him nowhere, so Sanji sighed and walked to the base of the tree. "Stupid shitty axe," he mumbled, grabbing a branch and swinging himself up toward the canopy.

It didn't take him long to climb the tree, and soon his feet were planted solidly on a branch while he tugged at the handle of the axe, all the while cursing Zoro, because it just had to be _his_ fault that it could magically become dull and then sharp again. He wiggled and tugged and cursed and fought, but the blade didn't budge. Finally, he gripped it as tightly as he could and yanked, rocking back on his heels and completely forgetting about safety. The axe came free, but Sanji's victory was short-lived as he slipped and tumbled from the tree to crash on the forest floor below.

Time slowed for the cook as the axe flipped through the air after him, headed directly for his head. He tried to roll away, but his back was smarting so much from where he hit the ground that he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, watching as his death spun closer and closer to him…

_Shit, I can't die! Who's going to cook dinner? This is such a stupid way to die, the damn marimo will make fun of me for sure. I still haven't found All Blue… And holy shit, I don't want to die a virgin!!!_

THUNK!

A few strands of hair were all that was cut as the blade landed in the ground, centimeters from his head. Sanji's heart had nearly stopped, and after a moment he realized he wasn't breathing and forced himself to take several deep breaths. Not that he'd been scared, of course.

…Okay, so maybe he _was_ scared. But come on, anyone would be, with an axe flying at their head and no possible way to stop it.

After many long minutes of laying on the ground, adrenaline and pain from his back coursing through him, he pushed himself shakily up and looked down at the offending tool.

"This is a load of shit," he told it angrily. It sat there unassumingly.

He looked back at the tree, then back at the axe, and smiled slightly psychotically. "I know where I can get some fire wood."

* * *

When the crew returned, they found a large bonfire going, different elegantly presented snacks arranged around it. Sanji came over to examine Zoro and Luffy's catches while his captain eagerly bounded off to eat, the others rushing to get some before it was all lost in his mouth. Usopp, however, was the first to really look at the fire.

"Sanji, are those… food crates?"

"Yeah. They were empty, so I used them for firewood."

"No!" yelled Franky, distraught. "I was going to use those!"

"Too bad," Sanji spat vehemently.

Usopp looked closer. "Sanji… is that our axe?"

The cook scowled. "Yeah. And by the way, we need a new one."

The look on his face told Usopp that it would be better if he just didn't ask.

**The End**

* * *

I swear, me and Oda, we have a thing for torturing Sanji. XP


	4. Mother

**Title:** When Mama Ain't Happy

**Theme:** Mother

**Words:** 353

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Mild Language

**Notes:** This is one of those where I just typed up the first idea I had. XP

**Summary:** Sanji more or less brought it on himself.

**

* * *

**

When Mama Ain't Happy

By Dandy Wonderous

It was a typical supper with the Strawhat crew, the normal ruckus of fighting, lying, laughing, yelling, and singing, all with a steady stream of instructions underneath, given by the same voice.

"Luffy, stop stealing! I'll get you more in a second-Usopp! Don't you dare put that Tabasco shit on my food! Damn it, Franky, will you stop dancing on the table and just eat, for Pete's sake? Robin-chan, would you like a refill on your-Brooke! Don't do that in front of a lady, shithead! No, Chopper, you can have desert after you finish all your-Marimo! Stop sneaking extra sake, I already gave you plenty! Luffy, I said NO, damn it! And Usopp, you better rinse off that plate before you just dump it in the sink, I don't want to be here all night!"

At this point Usopp just had to open his big mouth. "Yeah, yeah, okay, _Mom._"

It was like someone had pushed a mute button somewhere.

For a long time Sanji stared at Usopp with such a murderous look that he wished he could melt into the floor and escape.

Then Luffy broke the silence. "Shishishi, that's true! Sanji _is_ like a mom!" Then he put on his patented Sanji impression face and said, "Finish your vegetables, Luffy!"

Zoro snorted. "Clean your plate," he mocked.

"Wash your hands," Franky added.

"Help with the dishes! Yohohoho!"

"And don't get another helping unless you really want it," started Chopper.

"Because you're going to be eating everything you touch!" everyone, even Nami and Robin, finished.

Sanji just stood there, gritting his teeth while they laughed. It was true that he said those things on a daily basis, but he did NOT sound like a mother… right?

_If I _was_ a mom, I'd be sent to jail for child abuse._

"I don't sound like that!" he protested. He scowled at their continued laughter. "Feh. Everyone just shut up and finish your supper, or tomorrow you go to bed without any!"

Every male in the room deadpanned. "Yes, Mom."

And Sanji's face immediately after was worth every kick to the head he gave them.

**The End**

* * *

Mommy dearest. XD


	5. Wanted

**Title:** Rabid Fangirl

**Theme:** Wanted

**Words:** 1,412

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** Slight SaNa moment, Slight ZoSan moment, Language, Sanji's perverted thoughts, and a rabid stalker fangirl… of DOOM!!! Pure crack.

**Notes:** I apologize for this… Anyway, when Sanji gets so bent out of shape about being called "chan," it's because it's offensive for men to be addressed with "chan" because it's more of a little kid thing, unless it's their girlfriend. Or so I've been told.

**Summary:** She really loves Blackleg Sanji…

**

* * *

**

Rabid Fangirl

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji was browsing the port town's market, minding his own business, when he was nearly knocked flat by a slender, energetic form that dashed out of a store and attached herself to his arm.

Had it been a male, Sanji would have objected, but the second he realized it was a female he went into mellorine mode, complete with heart eyes. "Why, hello there, my beauty."

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh!!!" she squeaked rapidly. "Are you really Blackleg Sanji!?!"

Sanji smiled at her. "For you, I'd be anyone, but yes, I'm Sanji."

She squealed in excitement. "Ohmygosh, I _knew_ that you were hotter than your bounty poster, but my friend Amanda, she didn't believe me, she said you had to be just as ugly, but I had faith, and here you are, swirly eyebrow and everything and you're _georgeous_!!!"

Sanji chose to ignore the comment about his wanted poster. "And whose lovely company am I in now?" he inquired.

"Ohmygosh, Blackleg Sanji just asked me my name!" she shrieked, looking faint. "I'm," she lowered her voice and made it breathy, in a strange attempt to be sexy, "Rebecca."

"Nice to meet you, Rebecca-chan."

"Heeheehee! Rebecca-_chan_!"

At this point, even Sanji could no longer deny that this girl was incredibly annoying. He gingerly tried to remove his arm. "It was really nice learning I had a fan, but I need to be getting back to my ship now…"

She turned the most pathetic pout he had ever seen on someone not named Luffy on him, and whispered, sadly, "You're leaving me? But I just found you!"

"Uh…" He held one hand up placatingly, trying again to pull the other away. Her grip tightened. "You see, it's… it's like this, I…" Her eyes grew teary. "I… I…" She sniffed. "I guess… you can come back to the ship and I'll… make you lunch-"

"EEEEEEE!!! I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH BLACKLEG SANJI!!!" She jumped up and down in elation, still holding his arm, probably so he couldn't get away.

"R-rebecca-chan, not so loud!" he pleaded. "There are marines here."

She quieted, instead clinging closer to him and nuzzling his side. "I'm sorry, Sanji-chan. I won't do it again. Eeheeheehee!"

Sanji blinked down at the girl who was plastered irremovably to his side. Sanji-_chan_!?!

He sighed and led her back to the ship. Something told him this would end in disaster.

* * *

"Sanji-kun, do we have any-Uh, hello."

The girl sitting at the table glared at the navigator. "Sanji-_kun_?" she sniffed in disdain. "And who exactly are you?"

Nami raised an eyebrow, then said, "One second," dismissively and marched over to Sanji, who was working with noticeably less enthusiasm than normal as he cooked lunch. "Sanji-kun, who is that?" she whispered.

He turned to her, looking exasperated. "Rebecca," he whispered back, and she noticed the normal honorific was absent. "I can't get rid of her!"

"But why is she here?"

"Apparently she fell in love with me from my bounty poster… Nami-san, you don't have to look like it sounds that impossible!" he whined, hurt.

"Oh, sorry." She wiped the disbelieving frown from her face. "Are you sure she's not just after your bounty or something?"

"Nami-san, if she was a bounty hunter, I'd turn myself into the marines right now to be rid of her." He glanced over at Rebecca, who was watching them with a scowl, obviously upset that he was talking so confidentially to Nami. He looked back at the redhead with eyes that begged, "Help me!"

"I'm not helping you."

"Please, Nami-san, she's already picking names for our children and drapes for our windows!"

"Just tell her to get lost," Nami hissed.

"I can't," he muttered, and she sighed.

"You're such a… Fine, I'll help you out."

"Nami-san is so gracious!!!"

"You'll owe me later," she added, before grabbing his hand and pulling him around the counter. Rebecca's eyebrows rose at the sight of her infatuation holding the hand of another woman.

"Sorry, honey, but this cook is taken," said Nami simply, smirking at her.

Rebecca shot from her seat. "I don't believe it!" she snapped.

Nami shrugged. "Then I guess I'll have to prove it." She turned and grabbed Sanji's tie, pulled his surprised face down to her level, and laid a big smacker right on his lips.

Rebecca screeched in fury while Sanji practically melted, stuttering, "M-m-mellorine…"

For a second Nami just smirked at the outraged Rebecca, then she gasped as the girl flung herself over the table and ran at her, screaming, "Not my future husband, you bitch!"

The two women were suddenly grappling with each other, both screaming and scratching and pulling at hair. Sanji stepped back and watched with a nosebleed, hoping that they would rip some clothes off or that a giant mud puddle would appear from heaven or maybe that they would just start making out. Or better yet, make out nude in a mud puddle. Yeah, that would be the best situation.

Nami glanced over while trying to scratch Rebecca's eyes out and realized that Sanji was having fun watching. She stopped fighting immediately, stomped over to him, and slapped him in the face. "You're such a pervert!" she snapped, before storming out of the galley, shouting, "You can keep him!" before slamming the door.

Rebecca was speechless for a minute, then she squealed and jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh!!! I just won my first cat fight!"

Sanji cringed. As entertaining as the fight had been, he was now left with the annoying, clingy girl. He had to shake her off soon or he'd be looking for a wedding ring.

She skipped to his side happily and hugged him. "I won, Sanji-chan!"

"Y-yeah, that's great, Rebecca-chan, really, but-"

"And now you and I are going to be together forever!"

"Uh, I'd love to Rebecca-chan, but-"

"EEEE!!! You said yes, I heard it!"

"What!?! No I didn't, I just said-"

"EEEE!!! Ohmygosh, I'm getting married, ohmygosh, ohmygosh!!!"

"Rebecca-chan!" he said forcefully, and she paused in her happy hopping for a second. "Listen! I can't marry you!"

She immediately got teary. "But why not?"

"Because… because…"

At that moment Zoro, Luffy, and Usopp entered the galley, in search of lunch. Though it pained him with every fiber of his being, Sanji, in panic, grabbed the closest man and pulled him to his side.

"Because I'm gay."

"WHAT THE HELL, COOK!?!" Zoro roared, fighting his arm in horror.

Sanji laughed. "Oh, Zoro, you're such a kidder!" He pulled his head closer and muttered through the corner of his mouth, "Play along and I'll buy you all the booze you want."

Zoro considered. "Add on doing my laundry for two months and I'll do it."

"Like hell, you shitty marimo!"

Zoro turned to Rebecca, who was watching in confusion. "Hey, girl, the truth is-"

"Okay, okay, deal!" Sanji hissed, desperate.

"-that the cook and I are fruitier than fruitcakes."

She blinked in shock. "Really!?!"

"Yeah," said Sanji, leaning closer to Zoro and praying she didn't want them to prove it like Nami had.

She stared for a few more seconds, then she shrieked unexpectedly. "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh!!! Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro and Blackleg Sanji are _in love_!?! That's the KEY-UTEST think I have ever seen!!! Ohmygosh!"

Everyone in the room, sans Luffy, sweatdropped.

She jumped up and down. "Oh, I _have_ to go tell Amanda, she had a feeling you two had something going!"

"So you're leaving?" asked Sanji, relieved.

"Of course! Like I would try to get between something so beautiful!" She smiled at him. "Bye, Sanji-chan!"

And then she skipped off their ship, giggling excitedly.

"Thank God…" muttered Sanji, watching her leave.

"Yeah, it's great that Crazy Stalker Bitch is gone, but… WOULD YOU GET OFF ME!?!" Zoro yelled.

"Huh? UGH!" Sanji remembered who he had his arm around a dropped it. "Oh, great, now I have marimo germs all over my best suit jacket…"

"I'm burning this shirt…" Zoro said, wrinkling his nose at it.

The two realized that Luffy and Usopp were staring at them, slack jawed, and they scowled at the gawkers. "What?"

"I didn't know you were in love!" yelled Luffy, eyes wide.

"Wow, you guys do a good job of hiding it," Usopp complimented. "I thought you hated each other."

Later that night, Luffy and Usopp were roasting marshmallows over a fire fueled by Sanji and Zoro's outfits from that day, large bumps and bruises just visible on their heads.

**The End**

* * *

I should never listen to the song "Paparazzi" by Lady GaGa in the middle of the night ever again.


	6. Slingshot

**Title:** Chili Powder Star

**Theme:** Slingshot

**Words:** 548

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** Not too proud of this one. It's just your typical Usopp brand Sanji fail.

**Summary:** Chili powder HOT!!!

* * *

**Chili Powder Star**

By Dandy Wonderous

"The fabulous Captain Usopp was now surrounded by three hundred, no, three _thousand _armed bandits, and I was almost out of ammo, with a sheer forty-thousand foot drop to the sea behind me and only my trusty slingshot left!"

"Whoa!!!"

"Were you scared!?!"

Sanji rolled his eyes from where he was checking his sauce. It was a dreary day on the Grand Line, and when the rest of the crew wasn't out following Nami's orders, they would retreat to the inner bowels of the ship. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper had made the dining room their hangout, which Sanji pretended to mind a lot more than he really did, and Usopp was currently entertaining the other two with a typical story of daring-do.

"Hahaha!" Usopp rose from his seat and struck a heroic pose on the table. "Anyone else would have been terrified, but I was calm as a cucumber!"

Sanji snorted in subdued laughter and left the sauce simmering to work on the stir fry.

"So what did you do?" asked Chopper quietly, awed.

"I pulled out my trusty slingshot," he did so to demonstrate, "and reached into my ammo pouch. All I had left was…" Usopp trailed off as he searched his pocket for something, then held up a small, bright red pellet. "A Chili Powder Star, like this one, made from the spiciest peppers on the Grand Line."

Chopper oohed while Luffy tried to snatch the pellet and eat it. It took some arguing and kicking to dissuade him, and at this point Sanji tuned out the younger men's bickering.

"Now, as I was saying," Usopp panted, Luffy now sitting obediently in his chair, "a Chili Powder Star was all I had left. I loaded it into my slingshot, took aim, and fi-LUFFY!!!"

Luffy had lunged for the pellet again, whining about tasting it, and as the harassed sniper beat him back he loosed the slingshot's band, sending the Chili Powder Star flying. Chopper made a strangled noise, and Luffy and Usopp abruptly stopped to watch its trip. It landed with an ominous "plop" in Sanji's sauce.

Sanji was still focused on his stir fry and hadn't noticed it over the sizzling.

Usopp was the first to skedaddle, making a hasty retreat further into the ship. Chopper was hot on his heels, Luffy following last and wondering loudly if they were playing Follow-the-Leader now.

Sanji glanced over his shoulder as the door slammed behind them. _That was… weird._ Not overly worried about their strange behavior, Sanji checked on his sauce. It smelled… off. Like chili peppers. But that was impossible; he hadn't added any chili peppers. Just to be sure, Sanji did a taste test.

His mouth was instantly set on fire, tongue incinerated, eyes watering, throat burning. In his scattered state of mind, he found that the most immediate solution was to dunk his entire head into a barrel of ale in the corner, sucking down as much as he could to cool his mouth. After a minute he needed to breathe, and he yanked his head up and gulped air.

"And you said _I_ drink a lot," Zoro taunted from behind him, leaning against the doorway.

Needless to say, the sauce was discarded and Usopp thought twice before using his slingshot in Sanji's galley.

**The End**

* * *

I like spicy things. XP


	7. Cat

**Title:** Kitty Whiskers

**Theme:** Cat

**Words:** 797

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** Cat!Sanji, Hints of SaNa

**Notes:** This fic would be completely different had it not been for the prodding of Abra to write one where Sanji turns into a cat with no explanation given and has a nakamaship moment with Nami. So there ya go. Sanji's actions are based on my cat Sweetie. ^^

**Summary:** "Well… I guess you can sleep in the bed tonight…"

**

* * *

**

Kitty Whiskers

By Dandy Wonderous

"You can sleep here," Nami announced, laying a blanket down neatly in the corner. Sanji eyed it, then looked hopefully at the bed. Nami glanced at him, saw his expression, and frowned. "You're lucky I'm letting you in here at all, Sanji-kun."

Sanji hung his head apologetically and plodded softly over to the blanket. On instinct he pawed it to make a spot to curl up in, then balled up inside and gave her a contented "meow" in appreciation. Nami smiled despite herself and left to change into pajamas; Sanji was still Sanji no matter what form he was in, after all.

Since Sanji had shown up that afternoon, inexplicably changed into a cat, he had been laughed at by Zoro, cuddled by Franky, fussed over by Chopper, and generally terrorized by Luffy. At first, Nami had found it hilarious, to watch the little yellow cat, left ear flopped over his left eye, run frantically across the deck from the rubberman, yowling, only to be scooped up by a curious cyborg or reindeer, but she had eventually taken pity on him and brought him into her cabin. Chopper had tried to figure out what had happened to him, but as cat was not Sanji's native tongue (he'd stumbled across the words "hunt," "sniff," and "chiropractor"), he couldn't talk normally. Nami had agreed to let him hide here until the effects wore off or he learned enough to tell them what was wrong. In the meantime, Sanji was not adverse to the idea of the women taking care of him, especially if they wanted to spend all day with him in their laps, petting him.

Nami returned to the cabin, put out the light, and crawled into her hammock. "Night, Sanji-kun."

Sanji mewed a return, then laid his head back down on his paws. It was drafty on the floor, even through the blanket and his fur, and he shivered. He considered sleeping on Robin's bed until she returned from watch, but as it turned out, he shed, and he didn't dare get his fur all over her bed without her permission.

He was still contemplating how to get off the cold floor (short of returning to-shudder-the men's cabin, of course) when suddenly a sneeze came out of nowhere. He wrinkled his nose and pulled his head back, but the sneeze came out in an odd, "Chu," that sounded incredibly foreign.

It also woke Nami up, and she watched with a laugh as another sneeze caught him, causing him to shake his head to clear it.

"I guess it's cold on the floor," she finally said after the laughter subsided. He gave her his saddest kitty face and she sighed in exasperation. "Alright, fine. You can sleep up here-"

She was cut off by a fluffy form in her face, enthusiastically licking her cheek and purring, his visible eye a heart. She swatted him away. "At the foot of the bed, the foot!"

Dejectedly he padded to the foot of the bed, prepared to settle down. It was better than the floor, at least. She pulled her feet up to her to make room for him, and he watched them move under the covers.

On instinct, without realizing it, he dropped into a crouch, tail twitching. Then he pounced on her toes automatically, swatting them with his paws before finally coming to his senses, embarrassed.

She was trying to look annoyed, but she couldn't hide the smile that twitched the corners of her lips. "Sanji-kun, if you're going to do stuff like that, you can't sleep with me."

He sat down obediently and nodded, and she laid back down. "Good. Now go to sleep." Without meaning to, or perhaps completely on purpose, she moved her feet back to the foot of the bed.

Sanji pounced again, and this time she laughed out loud.

"Sanji-kun, stop! That tickles!" she giggled, pulling her feet away. He bounded after them, catching his prey once more and swatting it energetically. She sat up and grabbed him, flipped him over to expose his stomach, and scratched it furiously, so that he squirmed with pleasure under her hand. After a few minutes she flopped back down and laughed. Sanji purred happily, curling up next to her side. She reached down and scratched between his ears.

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll charge you one hundred thousand beri, on top of what you're paying for staying here tonight. With interest," she said sleepily. "But you're pretty cute, in cat form," she added as she drifted off.

Sanji yawned and closed his eyes, snuggled against her as close as he could be. With any luck, he'd change back into a human in the middle of the night. Sanji purred a mellorine as he fell asleep.

**The End**

* * *

I couldn't help the fluff. XD


	8. Loyalty

**Title:** A Question of Loyalty

**Theme:** Loyalty

**Words:** 396

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** One curse from Zoro, otherwise none

**Notes:** This is the one I ended on. I'm not particularly satisfied with it, but it makes more of an ending impression than the one I'm ending this posting on (since I'm just going in prompt order). Anyway… Luffy is so trusting. ^^

**Summary:** "No officer, I've never seen these men before in my life."

**

* * *

**

A Question of Loyalty

By Dandy Wonderous

"Tell me," said the marine, glaring down his nose at the blonde, "do you know these men?"

Sanji looked at Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp, all three in handcuffs and surrounded by armed officers. He took a nonchalant drag on his cigarette. "No."

"Wh-what!?!" cried Usopp, horrified. "But, Sanji… we're your nakama!"

Sanji quirked an eyebrow at him. "Nakama? But I've never seen you before in my life."

"Why, you shit-cook, I swear I'm gonna-"

"I think you're mistaking me for someone else." The cook looked at the marine, ignoring further protests from Zoro and Usopp. "Do you need me for anything else, officer?"

"No, that will do," the marine dismissed, waving him away. Sanji nodded and turned to leave.

He had scarcely moved three paces before Zoro yelled again. "Oi! Are you really denouncing your captain here?"

Sanji paused but didn't look back. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a captain." And then he was gone.

Usopp blinked in shock. "He left us. He really left us."

Zoro gritted his teeth. "That bastard! When I see him again-"

"Zoro! Usopp!"

The two looked at Luffy. He shook his head. "Sanji hasn't abandoned us. He's our nakama; I trust him."

Usopp sighed. "I wish I had your confidence."

Luffy grinned as they were led toward the marine base. "He hasn't left us. You'll see."

* * *

Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp had been chained to the wall for some amount of time before there was a loud slamming sound beyond the cell door, accompanied by a startled, "Augh!"

Then Sanji was inside, holding a ring of keys.

"You guys sure are troublesome," he greeted.

"Yeah? What about you, Mr. "I've Never Seen Them Before"?" Usopp snapped.

"What, did you expect me to just hand myself over?" Sanji rolled his eyes. "Fat lot of good I'd do for you in chains." He put the key in Luffy's shackles and released him.

Luffy frowned angrily. "But Sanji, you still renounced me as your captain!" he pointed out.

_So it _did_ bother him,_ thought Zoro.

Sanji shrugged. "I had my fingers crossed."

Luffy's frown changed to a smile. "Oh. Good thinking, Sanji!"

Sanji let Zoro out, sighing. "Maybe I shouldn't have. Then I could have been free of you idiots."

"Aw, come on, Sanji. You'd never do that," Luffy said.

Sanji gave an annoyed snort.

No. No he wouldn't.

**The End**

* * *

Aw, Luffy… *huggles*


	9. Laugh

**I posted two at once, so if you pushed that fancy little arrow by the title and it brought you here, go back one chapter. Thank you!**

**Title:** Make 'Em Laugh

**Theme:** Laugh

**Words:** 542

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes: **The title is from "Singing in the Rain," my all-time favorite musical. Oh, and Sanji doesn't laugh enough. For reals.

**Summary:** There were many things Sanji had come to fear, he just hadn't expected his own laugh to be one of them.

**

* * *

**

Make 'Em Laugh

By Dandy Wonderous

There were many things that being stranded on that rock for so long made Sanji fear. Fear of starving, of course, fear of wasting food. There was also the fear of being completely alone and, to a lesser degree, a fear of storms like the one that marooned him in the first place.

All of these were perfectly rational fears to have after his ordeal, but there was one that didn't quite fit.

Sanji had become afraid of his own laugh.

Not afraid in the sense that his laugh could somehow hurt him. Rather, he had come to hate the sound of it. On all those lonely days on that island he had talked to himself, relating funny memories to keep from panicking, until he ran out of stories and began to repeat the same ones over and over, until his laughter became high-pitched and hysterical. One day (was it the forty-sixth or the fifty-third?) he had listened to himself, and the sound was so strange and mad that he stopped laughing all together.

Even now, though he had been living with Zeff on the _Baratie_ for nearly a month, safe, sound, and with a full belly, he still hadn't laughed. Oh sure, he had smiled and he had yelled and griped and shown any other emotion typical of him, but he hadn't laughed.

Zeff noticed this and most certainly _did not_ get worried about it. But weren't little kids supposed to laugh?

Sometime after coming to this realization about his apprentice, he and Sanji were working on a pudding dish in the kitchen. They didn't have any staff yet, save a few waiters, so they alone were working on the meals for their small clientele.

Sanji pretended to look indifferent as Zeff tasted his handiwork. He pronounced it passable, and the boy feigned annoyance at his judgment, claiming it nothing short of perfect while at the same time being satisfied with his words.

"Now we'll take it over there and portion it out," Zeff instructed, picking up the large pudding bowl and beginning to carry it over the counter.

"Want me to help?" Sanji offered.

"No thanks, eggplant, I got it."

"Crappy old man, I told you not to call me that!"

"As long as you're living on my ship, eggplant, I'll call you whatever the hell I-whoa!"

Zeff's peg leg slipped out from under him (he was still getting used to it) and he fell to the floor with a thud. The pudding bowl flew from his hands, flipping in the air twice before landing beautifully on his head and eliciting a stream of curses.

For a second Sanji could only stare at his pudding-coated mentor and blink. Then a bubble of laughter made it's way up his throat, and he snickered. The snicker turned into a storm of laughter that soon had him rolling in the floor in hysterics.

"Knock that off right now, eggplant! This isn't funny!"

It was obvious he disagreed.

Zeff watched the boy, suddenly no longer afraid to laugh. The sound was pure like a kid's was supposed to be, not a hint of madness or loneliness to be found.

Zeff licked some chocolate pudding off his lips. _The things I do for this kid._

**The End**

* * *

I love Zeff. He's such a great old man, eh? XD XD


	10. Price

**Title: **An Easy Trade

**Theme:** Price

**Words:** 1,141

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** Blood and cursing

**Notes:** Written for three reasons: I have a Sanji's hands obsession, I love when he's sacrificial, and because if he's saving someone, it's Nami or Usopp or both.

**Summary:** If he was going to save them, he had to pay a heavy price.

**

* * *

**

An Easy Trade

By Dandy Wonderous

"What are you willing to give for these people?"

Sanji didn't hesitate in his answer. Arms raised protectively, cigarette perched precariously, eyes steely and determined, he stood between this sick, sadistic bastard and Usopp and Nami. His nakama. What was he willing to give for them? A stupid question.

"My life, of course. So long as you let them go unharmed."

"You would mean no more harmed than they are, I suppose?" The man grinned and licked blood (most likely Usopp's) from his knife blade.

Sanji gritted his teeth, tasting ashes and tar from the cigarette. His nakama were unconscious now, beaten and stabbed easily into submission from the shithead before him. The blonde longed to tear him limb from limb, wipe that smug look right off his face, but he knew his limits, and he alone could not defeat this monster. Maybe if he had Luffy or Zoro, heck, even Franky, but they were busy elsewhere. He considered attacking anyway, and would have if it hadn't been for Nami and Usopp. If he could negotiate, keep them alive, it wouldn't mattered what happened to him.

"Tell me," said the man, making him tense automatically. "What is your life worth to me?"

"You're a bounty hunter, right? I'm worth more than both of them together, and I'm giving myself up without a fight."

"And what's to say I can't just kill you _and_ your friends?"

"I could get away. You know I could."

"Yes, but not with those two. And if you're willing to give your life, you won't just leave them behind."

Sanji's expression didn't change. "No, I wouldn't. But I won't let you get anywhere near them, even if I die."

The man considered him for a moment. "I like you. You're loyal. A good friend."

Sanji stayed stony faced.

"And you got a good poker face. So I'll cut you a deal," the man came forward until he was standing right next to the chef. Sanji didn't flinch as he leaned up close. "I'll let you _and_ your two little friends go alive… _if_ you give me what you value most." He jerked his head at the two on the ground. "Besides your friends, of course."

"I already offered my life," Sanji pointed out. "What's more valuable?"

He smiled and touched Sanji's arm, still out stretched as though he were on a crucifix. "You're a cook, correct."

Sanji didn't answer, but the shadow that crossed his face for the smallest second told him all he needed to know.

"The tongue is very important to a cook. You have to be able to taste. And the nose, useful for knowing when things are done or what ingredients are in a dish. The ears tell you when something is boiling and your eyes help you arrange your food so it's pleasing to your diners. But your hands, now, _those_ are the real tools of a chef."

Sanji blew a long stream of smoke through his nose, trying to pretend that his face hadn't paled a shade or two. "A hand. Is that it?"

The man smiled. "A hand… per crewmate."

Sanji took another drag.

"It's a small price to pay, isn't it? A hand for a life… not that big of a deal. But of course, if they really don't mean _that_ much to you, I'll let you go and take them."

Sanji didn't bat an eyelash as he shoved his hands forward. "Deal."

The man smiled. "I knew I liked you for a reason," he whispered as his knife began to pierce flesh and bone.

* * *

Usopp's eyes opened slowly to see a cold, gray dawn above his head. He was no longer in that horrible, eerie crypt, and he smiled at the sky.

Then events flooded back to him; the crew splitting up. Running with Nami and hiding in the underground crypt they found. Some scary decomposing corpses. One of the powerful bounty hunters appearing from the shadows. Trying to protect Nami and losing. A dress shoe clad foot coming from nowhere as his world faded to black.

Now he was fully awake. Jerking into a sitting position he looked around worriedly. "Oi, Nami! Sanji!"

His heart slowed down just a bit when he spied Nami laying next to him, stirring from unconsciousness at his voice, and then returned to almost normal when he turned the other way and saw Sanji sitting on a rock, watching the mist shrouded sunrise.

"Oi, Sanji," he said in relief. "What happened? Where's the bounty hunter?"

Sanji turned to look over his shoulder. "Oh, you're awake. That's great." His eyes jumped to Nami, and a smile grew on his face as she opened her eyes and slowly sat up, looking just as perplexed as Usopp. "Nami-san! I was so worried!"

"Sanji-kun?" She looked around, rubbing her eyes in disbelief.

"Ah, be careful, Nami-san," he said quickly. "You still have blood on you."

She looked down at her hand and saw the blood stains there. Rubbing her eyes now with the relatively clean backs of her hands, she began questioning him. "What happened? Where's that man?"

"He's gone," the blonde answered with a slight shrug.

"Oh, so you won!" Usopp cheered. "I knew you could do it, Sanji!"

"Yeah!" agreed Nami, then brought her hands down. Sanji's grin had drooped, and he looked almost… guilty. "Sanji-kun?"

The smile left completely, and he chewed on his lip a bit. "I'm sorry," he finally muttered. "I… I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't win."

Usopp and Nami exchanged worried glances. "But we're not dead," the sniper pointed out.

"We made a deal," Sanji explained, eyes downcast.

A sense of doom chilled the air. "Sanji-kun, what was the deal?" asked Nami finally after several seconds of hesitant silence.

Sanji blinked rapidly a few times, then his head turned away. "I don't regret anything," he said, more to himself than to her.

The dread in Nami's stomach twisted horribly, and the fear made her angry. "Sanji-kun, what was the deal?" she repeated, a warning edge to her voice, pushing to her feet and stomping toward him. Usopp followed in her wake, unable to speak but hoping that his eyes would calm the navigator.

They walked around to stand in front of the chef, and Nami's anger melted into shock while Usopp felt tears well up and spill over his eyelids.

Sanji looked up from the two bloody stumps where his hands used to be and smiled. "A hand for a crewmate. An easy trade, right?"

Their weight as they both clung to him knocked him off the rock, and they landed hard in a crumpled heap on the ground, their tears soaking into his bloodstained suit jacket.

He didn't regret a thing. After all, what good is cooking if those you care about aren't around to taste your dishes?

**The End**

* * *

Oh Sanji, you beautiful man, you. ^^


	11. Sheep

Okay, this is what happened: my computer got sick again. T_T Good news: it wasn't a virus. Bad news: it was a problem with my motherboard (which is worse!). Luckily, it's only screwed up where it connects to my disc drive, which is now virtually useless. I was given three options: buy a new motherboard ($200), buy an external drive ($70), or buy a new laptop (some amount of money that I don't have). So I'm sure you can all guess what young girl who soon has to pay for college and car did… Anyway, more Sanji for you!

**Title:** Lambchop

**Theme:** Sheep

**Words:** 193

**Rating:** K+ (one word)

**Warnings:** The one word, that's all

**Notes:** According to Abra, a goat would be more likely to act like this. Well, I don't know a lot about livestock. Sorry. XP

**Summary:** Once you name something, you just can't kill it.

**

* * *

**

Lambchop

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji stared down at Wednesday's dinner special in annoyance. The lamb looked back up at him with innocent, trusting eyes.

"Don't look at me like that, Sheep. It's not gonna work."

The sheep blinked at him but didn't otherwise move.

Sanji scowled at him-_it, it_-and refilled its water bowl. "I don't care how cute you are , you're still getting eaten in two days."

The sheep bleated softly, and nudged his head against Sanji's hand. Sanji jerked back like he'd been burned.

"Don't do that, Sheep! Food isn't supposed to be all… touchy-feely."

He-_IT_-bumped up against the young chef's leg, bleated again, and gave him that innocent stare again.

Sanji scowled and petted its head. The lamb bleated happily and nuzzled him more.

"You're a shithead, Sheep, you know?"

* * *

After Zeff learned that Sanji had started calling the lamb "Sheep" as opposed to "the sheep," he realized that the boy would be no help when it came to slaughtering the thing. It was soon sent to a nice wool farm where it lived a long, fulfilling sheep life, and Sanji swore off talking to main courses for the rest of his life.

**The End**

* * *

Yeah… that's probably a good idea.


	12. Tangerine

**Title:** Rind

**Theme:** Tangerine

**Words:** 335

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** Because we all know Sanji was a total ladies' man before his overzealous libido kicked in. XD

**Summary:** Don't you like tangerines?

**

* * *

**

Rind

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji, currently age twelve, set down an elaborate tangerine sundae in front of the young, pretty girl at the table. He gave her a bright smile and said, "Free sundae for the beauty," in his best imitation of the way he saw older men flirt with older women.

She forced a smile back. "Thanks, but I don't want it."

His smile fell a little. "Why? Don't you like tangerines?"

The girl shrugged. "They're okay, but I just don't want it. I'm sorry."

The discouraged boy backed away a few steps. "Well, I'll leave it there, in case you change your mind."

As he started back for the kitchen, an older lady grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry for my daughter's rudeness," she apologized. "You see, her cat died a few days ago, and she just hasn't laughed since."

Sanji frowned. If there was anything he'd learned from the older waiters and cooks, it was that girls should never be allowed to be sad. He circled the table back to her, determined to cheer her up.

"You know what I like to do with tangerines?" he asked her.

She looked at him, a little curious despite herself. "What?"

He plucked a slice from her sundae and bit all the flesh from the rind. Then turned away from her, then turned back, smiling. But she couldn't see his teeth; they were covered with the tangerine rind, turning his smile bright orange.

She blinked, then smiled, then giggled, then laughed, while Sanji tried in vain to talk around the rind. "Ee? Ool, uh? Wi aw'ays oo is."

"What?" she managed around her giggles.

He took the rind out. "I said, cool, huh?"

She nodded, hiding her giggles. "Yes, very cool."

He held out a slice to her. "Try it!"

"No, it's silly," she protested.

"Please?"

She raised an eyebrow at him, but then took the slice and bit off the flesh. Soon she was giggling around a bright orange smile.

"Ee? Ol oo eh as ool!"

"Eah, erwe ool!"

**The End**

* * *

Child Sanji is too cute! ^^


	13. Clown

**Title:** Birthday Party

**Theme:** Clown

**Words:** 373

**Rating:** K+ for Zeff and Sanji's mouths

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** I was wondering if the _Baratie_ had one of those birthday songs that the waiters come out and sing. That would be amusing. Anyway, Sanji's outfit in this fic would make me laugh. This was going to be longer, but I only had a week left by the time I wrote it, so it got shortened.

**Summary:** Just look like a clown and I'll take care of the rest.

**

* * *

**

Birthday Party

By Dandy Wonderous

"This is by far the dumbest thing you've ever made me do, shit-geezer."

Zeff stood behind him, not laughing, perhaps, but with a wide, barely hidden smirk. Sanji shot a scowl his way before giving another to his appearance.

"I look stupid."

"You look fine."

"Like hell. I'm not doing this!"

"You damn well are, eggplant. We're getting paid a lot for this."

"You mean _you're_ getting paid a lot for this!" He started to struggle out of the costume.

"Stop, stop! Okay, fine; do this and I'll get you that copper bottom pan you want."

Sanji looked at himself in the mirror again. The white face make up, the big red nose, the stupid rainbow wig, the baggy clown outfit, and the giant shoes that anyone less graceful would fall flat in.

"Throw in a new stainless steel carving knife and you've got a deal."

"You're my employee. Why don't I just force you to?"

"I'll quit."

"The door's over there."

Sanji gritted his teeth. "Do we have a deal or not?"

Zeff rolled his eyes. "Fine. Deal."

The young chef turned clown smiled in triumph, but it faded quickly when he looked back at himself. "What exactly am I supposed to _do_?" he asked. "I can't make balloon animals, I don't know any jokes, ones that are appropriate for little kids, anyway…"

"You could juggle knives."

"That's a wonderful idea, shit-geezer. I'll juggle knives in a crowded room of young, impressionable, very stabbable children. And people wonder why I took up smoking at age twelve."

Sanji was kicked for his sass. "Quit your damn complaining! Look, all you have to do is go out there and look like a clown. So act like you normally do and I'll take care of the rest."

His apprentice scowled and pulled himself out of the wreckage the bench he had slammed into had become. "Why do I have the feeling that this is going to end with me combing gunk out of my hair?"

Zeff deadpanned. "I don't know what you're talking about, eggplant."

Sanji sighed and headed out the door, toward the dining room and the sounds of shrieking children. "Whatever. But whatever's about to be hitting my face better not be hot!"

**The End**

* * *

Some people commented (and I agree) that Zeff wouldn't throw anything hot at Sanji's head because it would be a waste of food. But Sanji is still suspicious.

By the way, they were all worried about the wasting food part, not about how actual hot pies would burn Sanji's face. O.O'


	14. Cook

**Title:** Replacements

**Theme:** Cook

**Words:** 2,188

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Nami's temper?

**Notes:** This is by far the longest, and the most fun to write. ^^

**Summary:** When your cook's down, who makes lunch?

**

* * *

**

Replacements

By Dandy Wonderous

No one was more surprised than Sanji when his leg gave out underneath him and he fell hard on his knees in the middle of the kitchen.

Chopper nearly knocked down the table trying to get to him as the chef started coughing violently, one arm raised as a shield against germs while the other hand massaged his leg. The one, Chopper remembered, that had gotten hurt in their last scrap with the marines. The wound he had assured the doctor was "just a scratch."

"Chopp-hack-er!" he protested hoarsely as the little reindeer started tugging at his pant leg. "Stop it! I told you, it's nothing-cough-to worry about!"

"Oh yeah?" Chopper managed to roll up his slacks to his knee, revealing a patch of skin that was noticeably red, raw, and inflamed. "Aah! It's infected!"

"It's fine!" Chopper looked at him skeptically, and he defended weakly with, "I washed it with soap…"

"Sanji! A wound this big is going to take a lot more than soap!" He switched to Heavy Point before the cook could protest further, pulling him up forcefully. "Come on, to the sickbay!"

Everyone else laughed at the struggling man's protests, except Luffy, who, upon Sanji's mention of having to cook lunch, got suddenly very worried about missing a meal and ordered Chopper to make Sanji better, quickly. Chopper agreed and shut the door behind them.

* * *

"Well?" Sanji asked once his wound had been cleaned and disinfected and he had been stuck with more needles than he wanted to be stuck with, unless it was by a sexy acupuncture therapist, of course.

"You're lucky," said Chopper with a sigh. "If you had let it go much further, I would've had to amputate your leg." He looked up at the blonde's sudden pallor and scrunched his nose in annoyance. "And I thought Zoro was the only one I had to worry about when it came to stuff like this."

"Don't compare me to that shithead," he muttered, but he had to admit that even Zoro wasn't stupid enough to let his own leg rot off. "So am I free to go no-umph!"

Chopper held the thermometer in his mouth while he pouted, folding his arms in annoyance. After a few minutes the reindeer pulled it out, ignoring Sanji's heated comments about "the emergency food supply." "You still have a fever," he announced. "The infection's not gone yet."

"I feel fine," Sanji protested, though the fine sheen of sweat on his brow and the almost imperceptible shake of his hands betrayed that he was, in fact, not fine.

"I'm not saying it's bad enough to lock you up here," Chopper assured him. "But you need to rest. It'll be good for your leg if you stay off it, anyway."

"But lunch-"

"Rest," he asserted. "Just for today?"

Sanji tried to fight the concern in his eyes with a harsh glare, but, damn it, the little reindeer was just too cute. He finally sighed in defeat and pulled himself up onto the sick bay's cot. "Well, you're the doctor."

"Calling me doctor won't make me happy, asshole!"

* * *

"How's Sanji-kun?" Nami asked when Chopper emerged on the deck, noticeably cook-less.

"He'll be fine, but I'm making him rest for awhile," the doctor replied.

"Aw, but then who's gonna make lunch?" Luffy explained, earning him a fist to the head from Nami.

"Is that all you're worried about!?!"

"If you're so worried about lunch, Captain-san, why don't we cook it ourselves?" Robin suggested, closing her book.

A silence fell over the crew at the thought.

"Well, I suppose we _could_," Nami agreed slowly, and Luffy threw his hands in the air.

"Woo-hoo! Let's cook lots and lots of meat!"

"You know, back when I was four, I won many awards for my elegant cuisine," Usopp began, earning sparkling eyes from Luffy and Chopper.

"Then you should be head chef, Usopp!" the dazzled reindeer cheered.

Usopp chuckled. "Oh, I couldn't… but if you insist-"

"NO! I'm the captain of the kitchen!" Luffy protested.

Zoro raised an eyebrow. "Captain of the kitchen?"

"Yohohohoho! I'll lend a hand. Ah, but I have no hands."

"Ow! Let's make a SUPA lunch and surprise Cook-bro!"

* * *

Nami hated to suspect Robin of doing anything bad, but she had a strange feeling that the archeologist had suggested they make lunch purely for her own amusement.

She supposed the first mistake was having Zoro cut vegetables. It had seemed like a fairly plausible idea at the time (if he was good with swords he should be good with knives), but he chopped so haphazardly that carrots and lettuce were soon flung everywhere. Finally she took them away from him and instructed him to cook the string beans instead, leaving the vegetables to Robin instead.

Chopper and Usopp were baking bread, under VERY close supervision, of course. Luffy had been helping, but after he decided it would taste better if he dumped in a pound of sugar he was taken off bread detail. At least the second loaf was now baking smoothly, if a bit lopsided and misshapen.

Franky and Brooke were in charge of the meat, grilled fish, which wasn't coming along too badly; at least Franky had some sort of cooking experience.

As for Nami herself, she was making dessert, a mikan cake she had inherited from Bellamere. She was just putting the batter in the cake pan when Zoro approached her.

"String beans're done."

She turned to inspect his work and nearly beat the stuffing out of him, right then and there, in frustration. "What the hell happened to them? They're all… stringy." To prove her point, she pulled one out of the pot, which was, indeed, a string bean that had been reduced to a genuine string.

"Isn't that the point?"

"No! What the hell kind of bean have you ever seen look like this!?!"

Zoro gave it a thoughtful look. "The string kind?"

"You, no more cooking!" she roared, pointing angrily for the door.

"Tch. Like I wanted to help, anyway." With that he took a seat at the dining room table and promptly fell asleep.

"I wonder," said Robin with a half-smile, "if Swordsman-san really does not know what string beans are, or if he just wanted to get out of work."

"Either way, his interest just tripled," Nami muttered darkly, turning back to the batter. "LUFFY, OUT!!!" She smacked the rubbery hand away.

"Aww! But Nami, I don't have a job!"

She sighed, picking up the cake pan. "Okay, okay, here's a job for you."

She took the finished bread out of the oven (it was a little underdone, maybe, but passable) and set the cake inside. "Listen carefully, Luffy," she said slowly, forcing him to look into her eyes. He nodded, jiggling in anticipation. "You are going to stand here and watch the cake-"

"Watch the cake? That's boooring!"

"No, listen, it's very important! Because there are… little imps inside the oven."

Luffy's eyes grew wide. "Imps?"

"Yeah, yeah," she said quickly, amazed he was buying it. "And if you don't watch the cake, they'll eat it!"

"What!?! They won't get our cake!" Luffy turned to watch it attentively, and she spun him back to look at her again.

"Yes, yes, but pay attention, this is the most important part. When the timer dings, _put on the oven mitts_-" she stressed it, knowing he would forget anyway, "-and take out the cake. Then we'll frost it. Okay?"

"Okay!" He turned to watch the cake, and Nami sighed in exasperation. _Well, at least HE'S out of the way…_

"Fish are done!" Franky announced, and she hurried to look. The fish looked odd… and smelled awful.

"What did you do? Those don't look very edible at all!"

The two interim cooks examined their handiwork, and then Brooke said, "Ah. We probably should have cleaned them first."

"AURGH!!!"

Brooke and Franky were banished to the dining room table alongside Zoro.

As Nami slammed the door she smelt smoke in the air and felt her eyebrow twitch. _Do I even want to look?_

She turned around and found smoke pouring from the oven. Rushing over, she pushed a panicking Luffy out of the way and reached for the pan. With a curse she did exactly what she had thought Luffy would do and was promptly scolded by said captain, who smugly grabbed the pan with his oven mitts and put the charred cake on the counter.

"What did you do to it?" she demanded, looking forlornly at the remains of her cake.

"I thought that turning the heat up would make it cook faster," he explained, as though it was the most brilliant idea in the world.

Nami groaned. She should have seen that one coming.

Luckily, she had planned for Luffy related incidents, and had made extra batter. She grabbed the bowl and a spoon and started stirring.

"Let me help!" Luffy whined. "I'm the captain!"

"No!"

Luffy wrenched the spoon from her grasp, and before she could yell "Your interest just quadrupled!" he had the bowl as well and was twisting his rubber arm around and around.

"This won't end well," said Usopp, already starting his retreat.

"I give up," Nami muttered, while Robin laughed.

"Gomu Gomu no… STIRRING!"

* * *

Sanji, pulling slowly and hazily from sleep, realized with slight annoyance that Chopper must have slipped something into that milk he so kindly brought him. Embarrassing really, for a chef to be drugged like that, but he had to admit that he felt much better after the nap. So good, in fact, that he had decided to see if another would make him feel even better, when a lot of yelling, banging, and splatting came from somewhere beyond the sick bay walls.

It took a moment before his brain caught up with his ears, but he realized that the ruckus was coming from _his _kitchen.

Red lights and sirens flashed before Sanji's eyes; someone (or, more likely, some_ones_) was messing around in his domain. And probably wrecking everything. Which meant someone was going to soon be too sore to sit down.

He pushed himself out of bed reluctantly, half tempted to just keep sleeping and deal with cleaning and murder later. But an ominous crash forced his hand and he warily went to the galley.

He opened the door and leaned against the frame, his leg still a little sore, and stared in shock at the scene before him. Everyone was complaining or yelling, batter was splattered on walls, furniture, and people, the remains of a ceramic bowl were in the floor, there was smoke everywhere, and it was all punctuated by several odd smells. It took seconds for his experienced eye to size everything up.

"Ahem…" he said slowly, and everyone stopped panicking/snarling/strangling Luffy to look at him.

"Um… hi, Sanji," said Usopp slowly.

"I thought I told you to rest!" yelled Chopper nervously.

For a moment Sanji said nothing. He took a deep breath and blew out the air in a stream, almost as though he had a cigarette in his mouth.

Then he spoke.

"Let me guess: the bits of carrots are from where you let shitty marimo chop vegetables, the smell is because someone forgot to clean the fish, the smoke is because someone burned a cake, the ruined batter in the sink probably has too much salt or sugar, and there's more batter everywhere because Luffy wanted to stir."

For a moment there was only shocked silence. And then everyone nodded.

"Wow, Sanji… you must be psychic," said Chopper in awe.

Sanji continued to stare ominously at them all, and everyone sans Zoro and Robin shrank back in fear. They now realized that they had crossed a serious line, and retribution was coming on swift wings, or rather, swift feet.

But then the chef did something no one expected.

He started laughing. It started as a chuckle, then grew to a guffaw that morphed to a bellow. He doubled over and then sank to the floor, tears of merriment wetting the corners of his eyes.

It took a second before everyone realized he was laughing at them. Then they all looked rather murderous, some (Zoro) more so than others (Chopper). They seemed to mentally debate whether to beat him up for laughing at their efforts, and in that time got a good look at each other and themselves.

Batter was in everyone's hair, Franky's sunglasses and Brooke's hat had been knocked off, Chopper had it dribbling into his eye, Zoro had a cake batter eye patch…

It started with Luffy, and then they were all laughing with Sanji.

Once the roar dimmed a bit, the cook managed to get to his feet and stagger, still chortling, over to the counter. "How about I help you guys finish lunch?" he suggested.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"I'll stir again!"

"NO!"

"Aww… but it was fun…"

Sanji rolled his eyes at his captain and turned to direct the rest of the crew's cooking. For once, he decided, a mess in his kitchen was completely worth it.

**The End**

* * *

*gigglesnort* Oven imps. XP


	15. Lies

**Title:** The Adventures of Captain Usopp-sama and First Mate Sanji

**Theme:** Lies

**Words:** 1,601

**Rating:** T for cussing, alcohol reference (ooo, scary), violence (more of the cartoon-ish kind, though)

**Warnings:** Cussing, etc, etc

**Notes:** Though I am a diehard UsoKaya fan, I've been dying to write a fic where Sanji acts as Usopp's wingman or otherwise gives him relationship advice. I kind of wanted to have a bashful Usopp drowning in the sea of flirtation with Sanji as his (not particularly effective) guide. This isn't EXACTLY what I had in mind, but it was still fun to write.

**Summary:** So once again the day is saved by…

**

* * *

**

The Adventures of Captain Usopp-sama and First Mate Sanji

By Dandy Wonderous

"It all started when this beautiful woman approached me on the street. She was in trouble, and she knew just by looking at me that I was the one who could help her."

_Which is why you came running to me, right?_

* * *

Sanji was only on his second beer, coming off his third rejection, when Usopp came in the bar. He spied the chef and hurried over, a relieved smile on his face.

"Oi, Sanji, there you are!"

Sanji turned around to eye the sniper. He didn't feel like being bothered by his crew at the moment, the liar especially, and he was about to say so when he noticed who followed behind the sniper, close at his heels.

Sanji was immediately to his feet. "Hello, beautiful!" he greeted, grabbing the woman's hand and kissing it.

The woman smiled nervously. "Um… hello."

"Sanji! Stop that at once!" Usopp demanded. Sanji promptly turned and told him where to stick it, and Usopp forced a sheepish laugh. "Oh, Sanji, you kidder, you…" He grabbed the blonde's shoulder, said, "Wait here, Miss Sandra," and dragged the protesting man away.

"Usopp, what the hell are you-"

"Sanji," he said seriously. "I need your help."

Sanji raised an eyebrow. "With _what_, exactly?"

Usopp blushed a bit and explained. "Well, that girl, Sandra, she needs some help. Here village is just a little ways from this one, and it's been ransacked by bandits every week. She's been trying to find someone to help her, but no one agreed to until she met me, and-"

"A damsel in distress?" interrupted Sanji, suddenly much more interested. "What are we still sitting here for, then? Let's go!"

Usopp grabbed him before he could go fawn over Sandra some more. "WAIT!!! There's a problem."

Sanji eyed him sternly. "Why do I get the feeling it has to do with you lying?"

"I told her that I was a pirate captain and you were my first mate," he admitted.

Sanji was quiet for several seconds, and Usopp began to get worried that he would go tell the girl the truth. He was surprised when Sanji came back with, "Can't _I_ be captain?"

"No! I already told her _I'm_ captain!"

They started arguing, their voices rising, until they realized Sandra was staring at them quizzically. They smiled and waved at her, and she waved back, perplexed.

Sanji sighed, turning back to the sniper. "Okay, fine. You're captain."

"Yosh! I knew you would see it my-"

"But I get the girl."

"What!?!"

"Relax, relax," said Sanji, laughing. "I get it, don't worry."

"Huh?"

"I agree to be your wingman."

Usopp blushed. "I, uh, don't know what you're, um, talking about."

Sanji laughed again. "Come on, _captain_, let's go."

* * *

"So then my trusty sidekick and I-"

_Whoa, whoa, SIDEKICK!?!_

"-hurried toward the besieged village. I, of course, gallantly led the way."

_That's not the way I remember it…_

* * *

"I thought… you said… it wasn't… far," Usopp panted. He was jogging behind Sanji, who ran at a brisk pace easily, even with Sandra on his back.

"We've only been running for an hour," Sanji pointed out.

"An hour… may not be… a lot of… time… for a… monster like you," Usopp grumbled. "But I'm… a… normal human!"

"We can rest if you're tired, Captain Usopp," said Sandra kindly.

"Oh, the captain's just being modest," said Sanji before said "captain" could answer himself. "He once ran a race across the Arabasta desert, three days without stopping, and he was only five, no less!" He smirked back at Usopp. "Right, Captain?"

"R-right," he gasped.

* * *

"Soon, Sandra and Sanji could no longer continue, so I had to carry them on my back!"

_What!?!_

* * *

"Hey, Sanji… any chance of you carrying me, too?"

"Like hell!"

"I _am_ the captain…"

"Excuse me. Like hell, _Captain_!"

* * *

"Once we arrived at the village, I quickly surveyed the situation and formulated a plan."

_Oh yeah, great plan you formulated…_

* * *

There was a big, huddled crowd in the village square, surrounded by vicious looking bandits, holding various weapons and snarling instructions at the villagers. They were handing over money and food to the man in the middle, a big man with bad teeth who was laughing loudly and hurling insults.

"So… what now, Captain?" asked Sanji, nonchalantly smoking a cigarette.

"Um… ah…"

"They're robbing us blind!" Sandra lamented.

"Don't worry, my dear! Captain Usopp-sama will come up with a brilliant plan!" He gave her a confident smile, then turned to Sanji with pleading eyes.

"Don't look at me," Sanji mouthed at him, and he gulped.

"Um, okay… How about… Sanji! You distract the little ones, and I'll take out the big guy!"

"What, I'm your _distraction_, now?"

"Wow, Mr. Sanji, you're so brave!"

Sanji smiled at Sandra's praise before throwing his hands into the air in determination. "Right! I'll gladly sacrifice my life for Sandra-chan's village!"

Usopp sighed, but nodded. "Then get going!"

* * *

"Sanji put up a gallant effort, but it wasn't long before they'd captured him."

_That wasn't my fault!_

* * *

Sanji kicked down the seventh bandit to approach him easily. He sighed and took a drag of his cigarette. These idiots were really weak.

"Sanji!" Usopp hissed from the bushes. "You're going too fast!"

"What?"

"I have to make a daring rescue!"

Sanji gaped at him. "Are you crazy? I'm not going to get myself captured just so you can impress-SHIT!"

While he was arguing with Usopp, a bandit threw a rope around his legs and pulled him roughly to the ground. Before Sanji could do more, the bandit had him wrapped up in chains. He struggled in annoyance while Usopp gave him a thumbs up and called, "That's perfect!"

"You shithead!"

* * *

"With Sanji incapacitated, it was time for me to defeat the leader of the bandits and save the village!"

_Oh please._

* * *

A barrage of pellets took out the last of the bandits, and they fell heavily around Sanji. The cook didn't feel like celebrating Usopp's small victory, instead cursing and struggling against his bonds. Meanwhile, Usopp had jumped out of the bushes and had struck a heroic pose in front of the big boss.

"I, Captain Usopp-sama, most feared man on the five seas, have come to slay you and free these poor villagers!"

The big bandit laughed. "Give it your best shot, little man," he taunted.

Usopp pulled the band of his slingshot taunt and aimed at his forehead. The lead pellet sped for him, connected… and bounced off harmlessly.

"Nice try, but my head's rock solid," laughed the bandit, rapping it in proof.

Sanji made a face. "Is this guy for real?"

Rockhead lunged for Usopp, who turned tail and ran. Soon the bandit was chasing the sniper in a large circle around the village square.

"Sanji, heeelp!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain, I thought you were going to make a daring rescue."

"Mr. Sanji!" hissed a voice by his ear, and he turned with a smile and many floating hearts to Sandra. "Hold still and I'll get you out."

"Sandra-chan is so wonderful and clever!"

"Shh! Don't draw attention to us!"

* * *

"While the big lug was still reeling from my well-placed shot to his head, I freed Sanji from his bonds."

_EH!?!_

"Then I readied my finishing blow."

_Uh, hold on. I think you're forgetting who actually knocked the guy out…_

* * *

Usopp waited until the bandit got a bit closer, crying out and begging not to be pummeled into a small pile of sniper slime. Then he turned with a laugh, whipping out a shell that Sanji knew all too well.

"Breath dial!"

There was a rather uncouth noise and a very noxious gas (all thanks to Luffy) clouded around the bandit's head. He gagged, covering his nose, and while he was thus engaged Sanji spun a hard kick into his chest that sent him flying. Several of his underlings, fearful of what was about to happen to them, dragged him off as fast as they could.

"You did it!" squealed Sandra happily, hugging first Sanji (who melted into a happy pile of "Mellorine") and then running over to hug Usopp and peck him on the cheek (to his embarrassment and Sanji's jealousy).

* * *

"So the bandit gang was defeated by the mighty Captain Usopp! With a little help from Sanji."

_Tch._

"Sandra tried to beg her hero to stay with her forever, but I had to respectfully decline and return to my loyal crew."

_Yeah, _that's_ how it happened. In your dreams…_

* * *

The entire village soon surrounded their saviors and cheered them. Sanji just laughed modestly and waved the praise off, while Usopp ate it up, posing, laughing, and singing to his own heroism. Soon Sandra ran back over to Usopp, calling to him. The long-nosed boy looked at her excitedly, but then realized she was bringing a man along behind her.

"Captain Usopp-sama! I want you to meet my husband, Derrick!"

The man held out his hand to the noticeably defeated sniper, oblivious. "Nice to meet our hero."

Usopp sighed and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, too."

Sanji patted his back sympathetically. "Tough break, huh?"

Usopp shrugged. "I guess."

"I was going to kick your ass for making me get captured, but this is punishment enough," he added with a smile.

His nakama scowled. "Jerk."

* * *

"And then the fabulous Captain Usopp and his first mate, Sanji, ran off into the sunset!"

"Wow! Is that really how it happened, Sanji?"

The cook smiled around his cigarette. "Yeah. That's exactly how it happened."

**The End**

* * *

And he lets Usopp get away with it. XD


	16. Friendship

**Title:** Does Not Play Well With Others

**Theme:** Friendship

**Words:** 1,158

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Sanji being a bit of an A-hole.

**Notes:** I almost never write about Chopper, so I had to do a little about him somewhere, and he leant himself nicely to this piece. It was originally going to be about Usopp instead, but I wrote quite a bit of Sanji/Usopp nakamaship for the challenge (and surprisingly, very little Zoro/Sanji nakamaship), so I spiced it up.

**Summary:** Sanji hadn't meant to be so harsh on the little guy…

**

* * *

**

Does Not Play Well With Others

By Dandy Wonderous

Being raised on a ship full of tough men much older than himself had not exactly taught Sanji about friendliness. As such, his general reaction to other men was to cuss and argue, going off a natural instinct of defensive hostility. After all, how else was he supposed to get any respect?

While everyone on the _Baratie_ accepted his attitude (and gave as good as they got), things were a bit different on the _Merry._

Zoro, at least, reacted the way he was supposed to. Sanji would insult his hair. Zoro would insult his eyebrow. They would fight, then later they would both drink some ale or sake and be perfectly okay until the next fight. It was just like dealing with one of the chefs at the _Baratie_, so Sanji could relax and be himself.

Luffy, however, did _not_ react the way Sanji expected. If the chef got mad and yelled at him, Luffy would laugh or apologize or pout. But he didn't fight back. Sanji spent a while trying to figure it out, but eventually gave up and attributed it to Luffy being Luffy.

Usopp was where the real strangeness was. Usopp would actually seem insulted or hurt when Sanji yelled at him. Sometimes he would fight back, but it was forced and extremely defensive. It was hard for Sanji to wrap his mind around this concept, that Usopp wouldn't be used to being yelled at or with fighting with his male friends. It seemed a foreign idea to Sanji, so trained was he that men showed affection through fists thrown and heated, teasing words.

When Sanji did finally understand, he was a bit more careful with Usopp, curbing his tongue and cooling his insults. At the same time, Usopp became more understanding of Sanji, and soon they no longer had a problem.

Then Chopper joined the ship.

Two days after he became their doctor, the crew was enjoying a typical Strawhat supper. Chopper had his plate loaded with food, and he was carrying it to his seat when a rubbery hand shot toward it. Chopper yelped and dodged away from Luffy, in the process tripping and falling to the floor. The plate flew from his hands and smashed on the wood, food going everywhere, ruined.

"Shithead!" Sanji reacted immediately, flying off the handle as the others expected. "Look at all the food you just wasted!" He moved away from the counter to stand angrily over the mess. "What kind of idiot-"

Chopper, wide-eyed and terrified, burst into tears and scrambled to get away. Sanji's barrage died away on his tongue as the reindeer half ran, half stumbled out of the galley and out onto the deck.

"Real nice," said Zoro darkly, forcing his attention from the door, still swinging behind Chopper's exit, to the table, where his crewmates were all looking disappointed (Usopp), disgusted (Zoro and Nami), or frightened (Vivi).

Luffy wasn't looking at him at all, instead staring blankly at the door, and that made guilt and fear twist in Sanji's gut. After a moment their captain stood up, leaving the last of his food behind, and left the galley.

Zoro made a disgusted noise and Sanji opened his mouth to retort. Nami's eyes stopped him, and he snapped his jaw shut and went to clean up the mess in silence.

* * *

"Oi, Chopper."

Chopper ducked lower behind the mikan tree he was hiding behind, completely oblivious to the fact that his entire body was sticking out. Luffy walked up to him, tilting his head to the side. "What are you doing, Chopper?"

The reindeer sniffled. "Hiding. Sanji's really mad at me, and now he's going to cook me!"

Luffy laughed. "He's not going to cook you."

"But he was really mad," Chopper repeated.

The rubber boy stared at him a moment, then sat down against the tree next to Chopper and looked up at the twinkling stars above. "You know, Sanji gets really worried whenever someone wastes food."

Chopper sniffed as he sat down next to him. "Why?"

"I don't know. I guess because he's the cook and he spends a lot of time working on it." Luffy watched the stars for a moment longer before adding, "Or maybe it's because he almost starved to death when he was younger."

Chopper figured out that it had to be because of the second explanation, but didn't point that out to Luffy. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think he's scared that it'll happen again."

Chopper shuddered. "That _is_ scary."

Luffy nodded. "That's why he was so mad that you dropped his food. But he doesn't want to eat you." He turned to the reindeer and smiled broadly. "He's just worried about'cha!"

Chopper stared at Luffy's bright smile for a moment before looking back nervously at his hooves. "Then why did he yell at me?"

Luffy shrugged. "Where he grew up, people didn't know how to be friendly. They all yelled at each other and fought all the time, like the way he is with Zoro. He doesn't know how to show he cares without yelling, I think."

"But he doesn't yell at Nami or Vivi."

"Yeah. He's a weird guy." Luffy laughed, and Chopper joined him hesitantly.

The rest of the crew, sans Sanji, had filtered out of the galley by this point and wandered off to bed or, in Zoro's case, up to the crow's nest for his watch.

"Should I go do something?" asked Chopper, watching the galley door, unsure.

"If you want." Luffy was still smiling. "I'm gonna go finish eating!" With a little wave, he dashed off to the galley. Seconds later Chopper heard agitated yelling and Luffy's laughter, through a full mouth of course.

After a moment's indecision, he got up and went to the kitchen. Sanji was in there, smoking a cigarette and washing dishes, having given up on stopping Luffy from eating the leftovers. The doctor approached him hesitantly, taking a few calming breaths before clearing his throat. "Sanji?" he ventured.

The cook, startled, looked down at him. "Uh… yeah?"

Chopper hung his head a little. "I'm sorry I wasted your food," he whispered.

Sanji looked shocked for a moment, then he sighed and shook his head. "No, Chopper, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you didn't mean to."

Chopper looked up at him. "So, you're not mad?"

Sanji smiled at him and patted his hat fondly. "Of course not. Are you mad at me for yelling?"

Chopper shook his head quickly. "No."

"Good." The chef gave him one more pat before turning back to his dishes.

Chopper was about to leave when Sanji stopped him again. "Oi, Chopper!"

"Huh?"

The cook was smiling, holding a plate out to him, piled high with still warm food. "You didn't get to finish supper," he explained.

Chopper smiled back and took it. "Thank you, Sanji!"

From his seat at the table, Luffy laughed and shoveled more beef in his mouth.

**The End**

* * *

Yes, I am determined to give you all so many warm fuzzies they'll think you have swine flu. XP


	17. Ship

**Title: **Familiarity

**Theme:** Ship

**Words:** 353

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None (except for sadness, maybe?)

**Notes:** This is another of my favorites, written in a fit of _Merry_ missing.

**Summary:** Things on the new ship just weren't the same.

**

* * *

**

Familiarity

By Dandy Wonderous

The third floorboard from the stove was loose, and would creak irritatingly whenever he stepped on it. The second cabinet from the left had a large crack in the door, and the first from the right had a squeaky hinge. The timer on the oven stuck at fourteen and two thirds minutes, and he would have to watch carefully and get it started again. One of the stove's burners heated too fast, another heated too slow. One of the kitchen lights was perpetually burnt out, and he gave up on replacing it. There wasn't a lock on the refrigerator, so he had to set out traps for his ever-hungry captain. He kept them in the pantry by the barrels of ale and sacks of flour, underneath the shelf that had fallen, making an angular roof.

There was not an inch (nor a defect) of the _Going Merry's_ kitchen that Sanji did not know by heart.

But on the _Thousand Sunny_, things were different. He slammed the door of the second cabinet from the left and it didn't fall apart in two pieces. He opened the first cabinet from the right without a sound. The oven timer was always reliable. The burners heated at the rate he wanted them to with no fuss. The lights over his head never faltered. The lock kept out his captain, so there were no traps stored under nonexistent broken shelves in the spacious pantry.

Sanji picked up a tray of food from the counter and started to carry it to his impatient nakama seated around the dining room table. The third floorboard from the stove creaked under his foot when he stepped on it.

Sanji froze in surprise, then experimentally lifted his foot and set down again.

Creak.

"Is that a loose floorboard, Cook-bro?" asked Franky, already rising from his seat. "I don't know how that happened, but I'll fix it up super fast."

Sanji shifted his weight onto the floorboard again, a small smile growing on his lips at the familiar noise. "Actually, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll keep it like this."

**The End**

* * *

…Sniff sniff…


	18. Tears

**Title:** Newspaper Clipping

**Theme:** Tears

**Words:** 1,151

**Rating:** T

**Warnings:** Language, Angst, Death, etc.

**Notes:** The people who managed to NOT write angst fics for this theme astound me. Oh, and big special thanks to IzumiTheMoogle for my birthday present! I am now married to Sanji. Oh, take that!!! I'm putting a big stamp on his forehead that reads, "Property of Dandy; HANDS OFF!!!" XP

Check it out on her deviantart page (izuhina-chan(dot)deviantart(dot)com)!!! There's also a direct link on my profile.

**Summary:** There were no survivors.

**

* * *

**

Newspaper Clipping

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji was not one to eavesdrop on two ladies' conversation; he would tell you so himself. But today was a bit different, and he found himself straining to hear the exchange from the table, because he had distinctly heard his name.

"…not sure how he'll take it," he caught from Nami.

"You can't hide it forever," Robin answered. Her eyes flickered to the chef, and he focused intently on his stew, hoping that she hadn't noticed him watching them.

"I guess not."

They were looking at something, but try as he might Sanji couldn't see what it was. It was driving him up the wall, not knowing what was going on but knowing it concerned him.

Finally, Nami got up from the table and picked up whatever they had been poring over, then crossed the dining room to the counter. "Sanji-kun?"

Sanji immediately twirled at the address, all smiles and hearts. "Yes, my beautiful Nami-swan? Do you want a drink?"

"Uh, no, I don't." She looked oddly nervous and uncomfortable, two emotions that were foreign for her. "I just thought that you should see…" She thrust the thing forward, and Sanji found it was a page from a newspaper. "This."

Sanji gave her a love struck yet confused look and took it from her, then held it in the light and began skimming for what she wanted him to see.

When he found it his breath caught in his throat, making an odd gulping noise.

**Wreckage of Infamous Baratie Floating Restaurant Discovered**

In East Blue there was a famous restaurant known as the Baratie. Run by former pirate Red Leg Zeff, it was a popular eatery for all sea travelers, offering fine food and good atmosphere. Inhabited by many pirates and criminals, it was also a popular place for bounty hunters, but the cooks there were too tough to be caught.

Until they met the Black Plague Gang, it seems.

This up-and-coming band of bounty hunters was quickly gaining fame around East Blue as fierce opponents. It is highly likely that they were the fighting cooks' match.

According to marines on the case, it is most likely that the two ships destroyed each other in combat, as wreckage from both ships was found. No bodies have been recovered yet, but it is assumed that there were no survivors…

Cont. on page 8

"Do you want to see the rest?" Nami asked gently.

It took several hard swallows before Sanji could speak again. "N-no, Nami-san, that's okay." He glanced in her direction, but his eyes seemed to go through her. "Can I keep this?"

"Of course, Sanji-kun." His eyes went straight back to the page, and she watched him carefully. She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting, but she'd thought he would at least cry, or something. Instead he looked… blank. She decided it must be shock. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" He stared at it a few minutes, and then the blankness was replaced by a sudden flush of anger. "Shitty old man! I leave and he gets himself killed!" He was back by his stewpot in one long stride, taking up a knife and rather violently chopping some carrots.

Nami took that opportunity to back away from the enraged chef holding a knife. "He got angry," she informed Robin superfluously when she got back to the table.

"Everyone deals with grief in their own way, Navigator-san."

She nodded and watched Sanji worriedly as he finished supper.

* * *

The moon that night found Sanji sitting in one of the girls' deck chairs on the prow of the ship, cigarette between his teeth and the newspaper article in his hand. He had clipped it out after supper and now clutched it, staring uncomprehendingly at it. He had been distracted all through supper, disbelief mixing with sorrow and anger. But still he hadn't cried. Now he sat silently, memories assaulting him.

There were no survivors.

"_Stupid old man! Just go and die, why don't you?" It was one of their worse fights._

There were no survivors.

"_Bratty eggplant! I'll live to be a thousand years old!"_

There were no survivors.

"_Yeah right! You'll die sometime, and I won't cry about it! Not one tear!"_

There were no survivors.

Plip.

The ere no survivors.

Plip.

The ere no su ors.

Plip. Plip.

Th e n ors.

Plip. Plip. Plip.

The ink was completely smudged out as the tears rolled down Sanji's cheeks. He took the cigarette between two fingers and curled up onto his knees, like he had that day Zeff had scorned his soup. "Shitty geezer," he ground out from between his teeth.

"_Damn right you won't cry!" Zeff bent down to his level, and Sanji's eye widened. "You better not cry a single tear, or I'd have to come up from hell and kick your ass!" And then he stalked off to help the other cooks fight off the marauding pirates in a battle Sanji had been deemed too young for._

_Sanji chewed his lip, then called after him. "You better not die, crap-geezer!"_

He rubbed his wet eyes against the sleeve of his jacket and looked back out at the sea. "Come back up from hell and kick my ass, huh?" He got to his feet, anger flooding through him again. "Then where are you, shit-geezer? Huh? WHERE ARE YOU!?!"

An enraged kick sent the deck chair spinning away to crash against a wall, breaking it into several pieces, but for once he didn't care about the ladies' furniture. For a long moment he stood there, seething, his shoulders heaving up and down in time with his pants, and then the tears started tumbling again. He stumbled to the railing and folded against it, his face burying into his arms.

That was where the crew found him the next morning, sprawled out on the deck, asleep, clutching the clipping to his chest, tear tracks still visible on his face.

* * *

A few weeks later, a letter arrived with Nami's newspaper, simply addressed to "Sanji, cook of the Strawhat Pirates." There was no return address.

Sanji looked at it curiously when Nami brought it to him, but she shrugged at his questions, saying she didn't know where it was from. He dried his hands from washing the breakfast dishes and opened it.

_Dear Eggplant,_

_I don't know if you've seen that shitty newspaper article or not, but in case you have, I just wanted you to know that everyone's still alive and kicking. That bounty hunter gang was no match for us. Did a number on the Baratie, though, so we had to take her into port for repairs. Of course, we did a lot worse to them; sent them running with their tails between their legs._

_Hope you're okay and keeping your crew well fed._

_Zeff_

This time the tears that smudged the paper were from joy and laughter.

_Shitty old man._

**The End**

* * *

Well, ya'll know how it is with me and death fics… XP


	19. Pet

**Title:** Good Dog

**Theme:** Pet

**Words:** 1,118

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** SaNa (it was originally going to be "pick Sanji's spouse yourself," but it got too annoying to keep from directly referring to his wife), Future fic complete with Sanji spawn

**Notes:** This rose from a combination of things. I love dogs almost as much as I love cats. I love those stories where people start out hating their dog and then end up loving them. And I love Sanji as a daddy. XD Speaking of Sanji as a daddy, I usually see him as having a son and being really close to him. But if he had a daughter, she'd be getting anything she wanted and we all know it; he'd be twisted tighter around her finger than he is around Nami and Robin's. Points for guessing Bell's full first name.

**Summary:** "Can we keep him, Daddy? Please?"

**

* * *

**

Good Dog

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji stared at _it_. _It_ stared back at Sanji. He looked pointedly away from _it_, turning to look instead at the red-haired boy attempting disinterest and the blonde girl with the big brown eyes.

"Pleeease, Daddy?" she begged again. _It_ whined an echo, and he scowled.

"Come on, Dad, let her keep the dog," the boy muttered, still faking boredom but quickly giving in to his sister's plea. Nami always said he was too much like his father.

Sanji sighed and put his hand on the five-year-old's shoulder. "Look, it's like this, sugarplum…" Her lip quivered. "I mean, there's no real place for a dog on a floating restaurant." Her eyes watered. "It wouldn't have anywhere to run around…" She sniffed. Sanji felt all his defenses start to crumble.

"Stay strong, Dad," whispered his son. "She's just trying to wear you down!"

"Oh, because she's not fazing you at all, eh, Zeff?" he hissed back.

"Daddy, look at him. Isn't he _cute_?"

Sanji raised an eyebrow at the dog. The last thing he would ever call it was cute. It was medium-sized but scrawny, with matted light brown fur and dozens of bald patches. Its ears were big and floppy, its tail was limp and stringy, and its eyes were surrounded by matted gunk.

"Bell, listen. We just don't have the space for a dog on the ship. Now come on, your mother will be waiting for us."

He turned, signaling the end of the conversation. In a move of desperation, his daughter flung her arms around the dog and wailed. Sanji froze, flinching.

"Dad," muttered his son, pleading. Bell had her brother wrapped as tightly around her finger as her dad was.

Sanji looked at his daughter, who was still clinging to the dog. He looked at Zeff, who was being completely unhelpful. He looked at the dog, who was begging with his crusty eyes.

"You said we should never let anyone go hungry, Daddy," she reminded him, pointing out the dog's thin stomach.

"Well, honey, I didn't exactly mean-"

"You saaa-iiid!" she whined.

Sanji rubbed the bridge of his nose. Nami was going to kill him, but… "Alright, fine. But you two are taking care of it."

"Thank you, Daddy!" Bell cooed. He leaned down and she gave him a big kiss.

Sanji looked down at the triumph dog and scowled. He could already tell he was going to hate the entire situation.

* * *

Nami had tried to kill him at first. But what Sanji didn't expect was that, after about two weeks, she had fallen in love with the dog (who the rest of the household called "Basil") just as much as the kids had.

Zeff, being the older and, as he liked to think, more responsible one, did a good job of keeping the dog fed and watered, making sure he didn't have any "accidents," and keeping him away from the customers. Bell played with him enough that he got plenty of exercise. But whenever Basil did make a mess (which was inevitable as long as the dog was awake), Sanji ended up being the one to clean it. He was also the one who had to deal with the dog when he went crazy with fear over thunderstorms. The dog was always underfoot in the kitchen, trying to steal snacks with a persistence that the chef hadn't seen since he was Luffy's cook.

No, the dog and Sanji did not get along.

He had tried to kick him out more than once, but every time a crying girl and an irate wife stopped him, and he was forced to allow the dog back into the restaurant.

"Guess I'm stuck with you," he remarked coldly after one such incident. The dog just whined for a piece of bacon.

* * *

The attack came shortly before dawn, a few hours before the morning staff arrived. Everyone knew that it would be foolishness to attack the _Baratie II_, floating in the pristine waters of the All Blue, because Pirate King Luffy and any of his allies available would hunt down those responsible and destroy every last one of them. But this crew, whoever they were, for whatever reason, had decided to risk it.

Sanji fought to keep his head above the churning, thrashing waves. Everything was illuminated by the harsh glow of the fire that had been his family's home for over nine years. But he could lament the ship later; right now he was just worried about his wife and children.

"Sanji!" came a faint cry over the waves, and he turned frantically until he could just see Nami, floating on a piece of flotsam. He swam to her as fast as he could, and she hauled him up onto what used to be part of the ship's outer porch.

He laid there for a moment, panting, then looked up in her eyes. A question died on his lips as she asked the same one: "Where are the kids?"

Sanji was immediately balancing on the jerking flotsam, staring out toward the flaming remains and screaming for his children at the top of his lungs. It was a mere two minutes before his throat cracked, hoarse, and with that he gave up yelling and dove back into the ocean.

He was swimming back out, not sure where was going. He was looking for them above the water, because he couldn't bare to think of them being under the surface, their faces blue, eyes widened in frozen terror or perhaps closed forever…

A very familiar whine brought him caused him to whip around instinctively, and what he saw made his heart nearly stop. Basil, the hated dog, was swimming toward him, struggling to keep above the waves. Bell was clinging to his neck, sprawled on his back, while he held Zeff in his jaws, the boy apparently unconscious.

Sanji could feel tears rolling down his cheeks as he called the dog to him, guiding him to the wood where Nami waited. "Come on Basil, here boy, this way!"

With no small amount of work, the dog got the kids to the flotsam. Sanji grabbed Zeff and pushed him up to safety (luckily, he was still breathing), while Nami pulled Bell to her, hugging her close and crying into her hair. The waves were finally too much for Basil, exhausted from his gallant effort, and he started to sink below the surface. A strong arm wrapped around him and pulled him up onto the wood.

Sanji lay there, his arms encircling his family, as Nami huddled against him and held their children tight. His hand found Basil's tired head and rubbed between his ears. "Good dog, Basil. Good dog."

**The End**

* * *

Hmm… I wonder if Zeff knows that Sanji's firstborn is named after him…

There are some anonymous reviews, but unfortunately I don't have time to reply to them (or any reviews, really) right this second. I'll get to it tomorrow (I FINALLY have an afternoon every week that doesn't have anything after school. Huzzah!).


	20. Curse

**Title:** Charades

**Theme:** Curse

**Words:** 157

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** This was one of those I wrote in the last week, so it's really crappy. Oh, what rush does to my writing! (and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth)

**Summary:** He should've known that his flirting would get him in trouble eventually.

**

* * *

**

Charades

By Dandy Wonderous

"How exactly did this happen, Swordsman-san?" Robin asked, watching with barely concealed laughter.

"The cook was being his usual perverted self. He flirted with this girl, and in the middle of their conversation started drooling over another. Turns out the first girl was a witch."

Nami laughed. "So she made it so he couldn't talk?"

Zoro smirked. "Yeah."

They watched as the irate cook tried in vain to communicate with Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, and Franky.

"Two syllables," said Usopp slowly. "Rhymes with…"

"Meat!" Luffy guessed for the fortieth time.

"Yow! You should put more movement in your miming! Ow! Supa!"

"This game is fun!" Chopper clapped enthusiastically.

Sanji stopped miming and threw his hands up in frustration, mouth open in a silent yell. He turned and stalked to the galley, throwing a look over his shoulder that dared anyone to bother him and slamming the door.

"How long until the curse wears off?" Nami asked.

"Hopefully never."

**The End**

* * *

…No comment.

As promised, here it is:

**Anonymous Reader Review Corner!!**

Bakura From School: Thanks!! Oh, I'm glad. Cool; I love meeting fellow Sanji fans. ^^ Yeah, I miss Merry… Oh, well! You're welcome! ^^ ^^ Thanks for reading!

Yumi: 1)Thanks! Oh, I hate that! Sanji's got enough trauma in his past; no need to add crap in. 2) Thanks! Oh, good. I can see him doing it a little, too. Haha, good! XD 3) Lol! I was totally listening to "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon when I read that, so I was like, "This axe is on fire!" to the tune. XP Me too. Haha, he should! XD 4) He is. *huggles* 5) Thanks! Sentimentality is fun, though. ^^

RedSavant: Dance granted. And I supposed the unsigned review is, too. XP


	21. Devil Fruit

**Title:** Suke Suke

**Theme:** Devil Fruit

**Words:** 166

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Almost all dialog, Sanji and Zeff's mouths

**Notes:** Another crappy one. Unfortunately, there are three in a row, the third being tomorrow.

**Summary:** Sanji gets a new dream…

**

* * *

**

Suke Suke

By Dandy Wonderous

"What are you giggling about over there, eggplant?"

"Nothing."

"Like hell. Come on, show me."

"Shitty old-let go of my book!"

"Fat chance! …A book about Devil Fruits? I thought you liked to swim."

"Of course I do! And some of them are just stupid. I mean, come on, the Gomu Gomu no Mi? Who would want a body made of rubber?"

"So why are you interested in this?"

"…No reason."

"You suck at lying… What the hell!?! The Suke Suke no Mi? Why is this page dog-eared?"

"I don't know. It's hard to keep books whole around this place."

"You want it, don't you?"

"Shitty geezer, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Why would you want the power to become invisible?"

"I don't!"

"Don't try to lie to _me_, stupid eggplant."

Three female waitresses walked past the door on the way to the women's bath, holding towels. Sanji got a nosebleed. Zeff chunked the book at his head.

"You are such a pervert."

**The End**

* * *

Are there even female waitresses on the _Baratie_?

**Anonymous Reader Review Corner!!**

BakuraFromSchool: (sorry I missed this the first time around) I know, isn't it delicious? XP Aw, really? Thank you so much!!! *^^* You guys keep thanking me and I'm gonna get an inflated ego. XP Thanks for reading! ^^

Yumi: 1) Sorry!! But it was all okay in the end. ^^ Yay!! Thanks!! 2) Yay, thanks! That would have been fun, too. I'm glad you liked it! I love puppies. ^^ 3) Fangirling allowed; it's fun! Haha, Luffy has a very one track mind. XP Oh, good, glad that worked for you. ^^ Really? I don't agree, I think it fails. But thanks for the vote of confidence!! Whoa, really? Just cuz you're anonymous doesn't mean your review shouldn't be appreciated! So you're welcome, and thanks for reviewing! ^^


	22. Vegetables

**Title:** Food Groupa

**Theme:** Vegetables

**Words:** 585

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Mild Language

**Notes:** I take no credit for the Food Groupa story; it was all due to the genius of _The Cosby Show_. This is my retelling of their brainchild.

**Summary:** Sometimes you need inventive ways to get the kids to eat their veggies.

**

* * *

**

Food Groupa

By Dandy Wonderous

"Sanji! MEEEAAAT!!!"

Boot met rubber and halted Luffy in his crazed search. "There is none."

Luffy gave him a confused look. "No what?"

"Meat, idiot." Sanji rolled his eyes and returned to the dish he was finishing.

Luffy looked like he had been told Christmas was cancelled because someone shot Santa. "WHA-AT!?! No meat!?!"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

Luffy gaped before adopting his patented scolding face. "Sanji, I'm disappointed in you."

"What shit now?"

"You're our cook! You should know how to ration supplies better!"

This judgment earned him another kick. "It's because you eat it all, shithead!"

Luffy continued to pout until something dawned on him. "Aah! We're gonna starve!"

"No one's starving," Sanji snapped vehemently. "We just have to make do without meat."

"What else is there?"

"Oh, I dunno… _vegetables_, maybe?"

"…Those are the green ones, right?"

Sanji sighed and picked up his platters. "Yeah, those. Get the rest of the crew, we're eating now."

Luffy called the others in, with less enthusiasm than normal. They settled down around Sanji's all-vegetarian meal and supper commenced as normal.

Well, mostly normal.

It wasn't long before Sanji noticed Luffy was more picking at his food then devouring it like usual. He walked over and nudged his captain's leg with his foot. "Oi, what's with you?"

Again with the pouting and the puppy dog eyes. "Meeeaaat."

"I already told you, you ate it all!" The chef sighed. How to get a meat obsessed moron to eat vegetables?

Well, there was always the trick he used on kids on the _Baratie_…

Sanji grabbed one of the barstools and sat down next to Luffy. "Have you ever heard of the Food Groupa family?"

Luffy and Chopper sensed that a story was coming and turned their wide-eyed attention to him. "No. Who's that?" asked Luffy.

"Yeah, who?" Chopper echoed.

"Well, in the Food Groupa family, there was Grandma and Grandpa Meat."

"I like this story!" Luffy interjected.

"Then let me finish! So there's Grandma and Grandpa Meat, and they had many grain children: Bread, Cereal, Rice, and Pasta, and some others I've forgotten.

"Bread had dairy children: Milk, Cheese, and Yogurt. Cereal had many fruit children, like Strawberry and Banana. And Rice had vegetable children, like Asparagus and Cucumber."

"What kind of children did Pasta have?" Chopper asked innocently.

"Uh… spice children."

"What about starches, like potatoes? Or gourds?" asked Usopp skeptically.

Sanji shot him a death glare. "Just let me finish! So one day the Food Groupa family was going on a ride-"

"Like an amusement park ride?" asked Luffy.

"Yeah, exactly, but it was down to someone's stomach, like a waterslide. So first went Grandma and Grandpa Meat," he couldn't resist a glare at Luffy, "and then their grain children. Then the dairy and fruit children-"

"And spice," Chopper reminded him.

"And spice children rode down after them. Soon, there were only the vegetable children left. But the ride was closed! It didn't allow vegetables on! The poor veggie children started to cry." He adopted a distraught face. "Oh, won't someone help the poor vegetable children get back to their family?"

Luffy was crying by this point. "We will! Right, Chopper?"

"R-right!" the reindeer sniffed.

"Waaah! I'll help too! Poor, super little veggie-bros!"

Rubberman, reindeer, and cyborg began chowing down like no tomorrow, Sanji watching with an amused smirk. If only a story like that could keep Zoro out of the ale and make the ladies love him, all his problems would be solved.

**The End**

* * *

Unfortunately for Sanji, he would only woo girls with stories if the girl was Kaya and he was Usopp. XD

**Anonymous Reader Review Corner!!**

Yumi: (who apparently did nothing today but sit around and read my stuff; for that I thank you) Thanks!! I'm glad you liked it. ^^ Oh yeah, they were probably long gone the second he learned about the birds and the bees. XP Awww!!! Thanks so much. ^^


	23. Smoke

**Title:** Hazy

**Theme:** Smoke

**Words:** 454

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Blood, Character Death

**Notes:** You think I'm kidding, don't you? Dandy is incapable of writing death fics, you say. She's lied before, she's lying again, that's what you're thinking. All I have to say is, the boy who cried wolf was telling the truth on cry number three.

**Summary:** This battle was, more or less, a success.

**

* * *

**

Hazy

By Dandy Wonderous

He decided that this battle could be considered a success.

With the small glow of his lighter he could see into the surrounding darkness. He'd given more than he got, and now dozens of bodies littered the floor around him. He'd been the last one standing, even if he was sitting now, or more slumped really, against the cold stone wall. He won.

He lit his victory cigarette, for once in his life wishing it was a cigar because that might have been more fitting, and lifted it with shaky, blood-stained hands to his lips.

Yeah, this was a real success, alright.

So much of a success that there was a gaping hole in his abdomen and he was missing a foot. Maybe two. He tried to see them through the gloom and smoke, but he couldn't. He supposed it really didn't matter, but it would be nice to take stock.

He took a long drag that sent spasms of pain through his chest, but every part of him ached so bad it wasn't as noticeable as it might have been. Slowly he blew smoke through his nose and watched it cloud around his head as though it might give him the answers to life.

In a way, it did.

As he blew more smoke into his personal cloud, he began to see shapes form inside it, prophetically dancing before his eyes. There was Luffy, finding One Piece. There, Zoro, his sword held high in triumph, with a defeated Mihawk at his feet. Lovely Nami-san, proudly holding her completed map aloft. Usopp, posed as he was so often at the prow of the ship, but now he was worthy of his heroic boasting. Chopper, curing diseases with ease that had once been fatal. Beautiful Robin-chan, reading the Rio Poneglyph. The Sunny arriving at Raftel, as glorious as the day it was completed. And Brooke, reuniting with Laboon after so many years.

It was all so real, he was sure he could reach out and touch it, if his arms hadn't given up on him and dropped to the ground, still loosely holding the dying cigarette.

The cloud was dissipating now, but it still had one vision left in it. As he watched, the smoke seemed to become a sea, with hundreds of fish swimming within it. He stared at it through dimming eyes, a smile curling his lips. His dream was in no way solid, but fleeting away, almost transparent, stretching as it headed for the ceiling.

Of course his was lost. That figures. But his was the only one.

So the battle was a success.

The last thing his eyes saw before their light extinguished were the lingering wisps of his final cigarette.

**The End**

* * *

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So, who was it that was saying I was incapable of killing of my favorite character or that my fics always have a happy ending? Well, there ya go. Gotta keep you on your toes, ya know?

Actually, I had a similar idea that was in no ways sad, but my computer had a virus and some other crap had been happening, so in a fit of melancholy the fic transformed into this. If this were a longer fic, though, not just a drabble for the challenge, I probably wouldn't have had the guts. -_-

I'm sorry. Don't hurt me!!!


	24. Thief

**Title:** Alarm

**Theme:** Thief

**Words:** 291

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** Sanji being sneaky, making Zoro's life hell. It's always fun. ^^

**Summary:** When all your traps are broken, you have to improvise.

**

* * *

**

Alarm

By Dandy Wonderous

The crash of shattering glass woke not only Sanji, but the rest of the men's cabin, and probably the women's cabin as well. The cook sighed in exasperation as he was pulled from the sweet embrace of sleep, sitting up in annoyance.

"What's that!?!" demanded Usopp, nose poking over his quivering covers. This was followed by Zoro's more apathetic, "Wha'z that?"

Sanji rubbed the bridge of his nose. "That's my new Luffy alarm system."

"Huh?" Usopp, Zoro, and Chopper stared at him in confusion.

The blonde shrugged. "All my traps are broken, smashed, or otherwise reduced to scrap, so I had to find some other way to stop him from stealing. This is my alarm, until I get some new traps or a lock for the fridge." He started to crawl out of his hammock and into his shoes.

"But what _is_ it?" asked Chopper.

"Rum bottles, set up so that if Luffy tries to sneak a snack they crash down on his head."

Usopp and Chopper wore identical expressions of shock and horror; to sabotage your captain like that! Zoro looked equally horrified, which was more surprising.

"_Empty_ rum bottles, right?" he asked, sounding oddly worried.

"Well…"

Zoro didn't waste another second; as a sloshy smash echoed through the ship, he leapt off the couch faster than if it'd been on fire and ran for the galley, yelling angrily, "I swear, Luffy, if you spill anymore rum…!!!"

Sanji immediately fell back into his hammock. Zoro wouldn't be too happy when he learned that the bottles were full of water, and he'd be even more pissed when he realized that _he_ was the new Luffy trap. But, Sanji decided as he drifted off, he could deal with that in the morning.

**The End**

* * *

On the downside, Zoro's going to kick his butt. On the upside, he gets some sleep. Yay Sanji! XD


	25. Defeat

**Title:** Race

**Theme: **Defeat

**Words:** 423

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** None

**Notes:** This was inspired by one of the endings. I can't remember which one, but it's got Vivi in it, and the whole crew is racing across the beach. I remember that Sanji and Zoro got into a fight in the middle of the race. XD

**Summary:** On your mark… get set… GO!!!

**

* * *

**

Race

By Dandy Wonderous

Thirty five yards to the finish.

He was going to win, he just knew it. It was only natural that he should, of course, having the strongest legs on the crew, but it still satisfied his competitive nature to be the first to cross the line.

Thirty yards to the finish.

A race around the island had been Luffy's idea, to relieve the tedium of the small, uninhabited summer island. The rest of the crew had readily agreed, even the ladies, and away they had gone.

Twenty five yards to the finish.

He had considered Chopper his only serious threat; in Walk Point the reindeer was awfully fast. But the heat of the island had slowed him down some, just enough to gain the advantage.

Twenty yards to the finish.

Zoro and Luffy had been worrisome, too, but he had more leg strength, obviously, than Zoro, and had quite happily passed him and gained a big lead. And Luffy had gotten completely distracted and gone tearing off after something in the jungle, so there was no way he would win.

Fifteen yards to the finish.

Franky and Brooke might have been threats, but he was pleasantly surprised to find that he passed them without much trouble. He hadn't seen Usopp since he passed Zoro, so he was way behind. And all that left were the ladies.

Ten yards to the finish.

No offense to the ladies, of course, but they were no match for him. But maybe they would congratulate the winner afterwards? Oh, mellorine…

Five yards to the-WHEN THE HELL DID USOPP GET THERE!?!

The sniper was standing in front of their cooking fire, arms crossed, a smug grin on his face. He was still panting from the run, sweat trickling down his brow.

Sanji stopped just short of the line to stare at him in shock.

"You… but… when? How?"

Usopp laughed. "I passed you while you were focused on Zoro and beat you here."

Sanji blinked a few more times, stunned silent.

Usopp closed the gap between him and poked him experimentally. "Oi. Sanji?"

He jumped when Sanji turned on him, looking aggravated. "I don't get it. How are you faster than me?"

Usopp grinned nervously. "Well, the great Captain Usopp is known far and wide for his incredible speed and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Sanji cut him off. _Of course. He spends so much time running away, he's faster than anyone. Not even my legs can defeat the power of cowards._ "Come on, speedy. What do you want for lunch?"

**The End**

* * *

Usopp is incredibly fast and has amazing endurance. Oda may have said he'd always be the weakest Strawhat, but he can outrun any of them, I bet. XD


	26. Hat

**Title:** The Magic Fedora

**Theme:** Hat

**Words:** 814

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Language, light hints of SaNa (but really just Sanji being Sanji)

**Notes:** This combines three of my favorite things: Sanji, fedoras, and the infamous red shirt. (Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses? Those are for losers. XP)

**Summary:** This hat will make any girl fall in love with you instantly!

**

* * *

**

The Magic Fedora

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji swirled the contents of his beer bottle dejectedly, watching the liquid slosh around with disinterest. He'd just had his fifth rejection of the night, and it wasn't even ten yet.

He didn't understand it. He did his best to be charming, cater to the women's needs, and no girl was the least bit interested. It was all a bit disheartening.

Maybe he was doing something wrong? Nah…

Still, lately he always ended up sitting alone in a bar with a beer until time to trudge back to the ship.

"Hey, kid. Tough crowd tonight, eh?"

Sanji raised an eyebrow at the old man who sat on the barstool next to him. "What're you talking about, ossan?"

He jerked his head back. "The women, boy. They're too picky for their own good."

The young blonde snorted and looked back at his bottle. "You're tellin' me."

The old man looked around conspiratorially, then leaned in close. Sanji, not too fond of bad teeth and beer breath, leaned away but waited semi patiently.

"I think I got somethin' that could help you get a woman. Any woman you wanted."

Sanji stared at him skeptically, but nevertheless intrigued. "Like what, exactly?"

The man looked around again, then reached into the folds of his jacket and produced a black fedora with a red ribbon that perfectly matched Sanji's shirt. "This," he whispered in awe.

Sanji was horribly disappointed. "A hat?"

"Not just _any_ hat," the man snapped, offended. "A magical fedora that will attract any woman."

Sanji was still unconvinced. "Does it work?"

"Of course it does!"

"Prove it."

The man shrugged and jumped off his stool. Putting the hat on his head, he marched confidently over to a voluptuous young lady further down the bar. He tapped her on the shoulder, glancing at Sanji to make sure he was still watching. He was.

"Excuse me, missy."

"Just a minute," she snapped without looking at him. She continued flirting with other customers.

"I said," he grabbed her shoulder, "excuse me, missy." He spun her around.

"Hey, mister, who do you think…" She trailed off when she looked at him. "Well, hel-lo, handsome!"

The old man shot a smug look back at a flabbergasted Sanji as the girl snuggled up to him. Why, he was old enough to be her father, or even her grandfather!

The man coddled the girl for a little while longer before releasing her, taking off the hat, and sauntering back to Sanji. "Well? How's that for girl-catching?"

Sanji was practically drooling.

"You want it?"

The cook was about to nod blindly, but he hesitated. "What's the catch?"

The old man was abruptly businesslike. "A thousand beri."

A quick vision of Nami and Robin hanging off either arm had him scrambling for his wallet. "Deal!"

After the blonde had left with his purchase, the old man walked back to the young girl and tapped her shoulder. "Hey."

"Hey, Daddy. How'd it go?" she asked.

"Took his money, no problem," he replied, handing her the beri bills.

She laughed, taking another fedora from the bartender. Her father took it, put it in his coat, and approached another lonely man in the bar.

"Hey, kid. Tough crowd tonight, eh?"

* * *

"Hello, Nami-swaaan! Did you miss me, my dear?"

Nami didn't look up from the map she was finishing. "Uh, sure, Sanji-kun. Don't stand in my light."

He moved obligingly. "Um, Nami-san… do you noticed anything different about me?"

Nami sighed in exasperation. She really didn't need Sanji's games right now. Deciding to give him what he wanted in hopes that he would go away, Nami looked up.

"Well?"

Nami froze, staring at him. He was leaning with his hand on the table, the other hand on his hip, smiling down at her with all his usual lovesick exuberance. But what gave her pause was the hat perched on his blonde locks.

"Sanji-kun? Wh-what… where did you get that hat?"

His smile broadened. "Do you like it?"

Nami didn't answer. She stood up and leaned across the table, eyes locked on him. "Yeah… yeah, it looks good on you."

Sanji's pulse sped up as she neared, closer and closer…

"SAAANJI!!! MEA-whoa, nice hat!"

Sanji scowled and turned angrily to the door. "What the hell do you want, Luffy?"

A rubber hand grabbed his hat and snatched it off his head. Luffy pushed his own hat back and put the fedora on, laughing.

"Shit, Luffy, no!!!" Sanji lunged for the hat, but his captain, delighted with his new game, had run out on deck. Sanji threw an apologizing look at Nami before giving chase.

Nami sat back down at the table to finish her map, smirking as she heard a lot of fighting and cursing from deck, and then a splash and something about a hat being eaten by a sea king. Too bad. It was a nice hat.

**The End**

* * *

…*drooling*

Was the hat magic? Or was it just Sanji's sex appeal (XP)? That, my friend, is up to you. ^^

**Anonymous Reader Review Corner!!**

Yumi: 1) Holy cow. In the words of my history teacher, you are starved for entertainment. XP Aw, thanks! If it does, tell me! XD Whoa, go you, defying the laws of nature. ^^ Naw. Zoro woulda just shot them scary looks until they ate the veggies. XP 2) XP I think you did. XD Yeah, he's happy. Ish. ^^' Poetic? Really? *squees happily* Yeah, Sanji is bleeding in smoky rooms quite often, I'm sure (and it probably drives Chopper up the wall, XP). Aww… I's sowwy. 3) Nope. He was busy raiding the kitchen. Oh, good. I'm glad! ^^ Thanks! Yup. He's so fun to mess with. XP


	27. Hunger

**Title:** One Week

**Theme:** Hunger

**Words:** 1,340

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Angst

**Notes:** Oh, come on; they gave me a prompt like "Hunger" and my claim was Sanji. How was I supposed to resist? XP

**Summary:** If he only cooked for six people instead of seven, well, that would make the food last that much longer.

**

* * *

**

One Week

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji stared at the ceiling and listened while Luffy stole a snack from the fridge. If ever there had been a critical time to stop him, it was now, but the chef didn't have the will to do it. He was already eating so much less than he was used to, and Sanji simply couldn't bear to tell him no.

The hull had leaked during a storm almost two weeks before, ruining almost all their food stored there. Sanji had come down to get something for his weary crew's supper and made the awful discovery. He returned to the galley, abruptly quieting the merriment there with his distraught expression, and explained that their stores for their current voyage were destroyed. He tried to seem nonchalant, but his eyes told them that his greatest fear was coming true.

The crew quickly tried to assuage his fears by pointing out that they still had food in the fridge and pantry, and that they could fish for anything else they needed. Nami told him that she guessed it was only a week or so to the next island, and they surely had enough food for that, if they rationed well. Their words had reassured Sanji, but he couldn't quite rid himself of the twist of fear in his gut.

A few days later, and storms were still delaying them. Nami was worried that, if the climate hadn't stabilized yet, they must be further from an island than she thought. Food was starting to run low, and this stretch of ocean was inhospitable for fishing. A few nights they brought in some good catches, but mostly there were only little ones that had to be tossed back. Sanji was rationing more and more, and while the crew acted like it didn't bother them, he noticed their disappointment as the portions grew smaller and smaller.

It was as Sanji was chopping onions for a meal for seven people and wishing that he only had six to cook for, which would let him save the food that much longer, that he realized he _could_ cook for only six people.

That dinner, about a week before, was the last meal Sanji had eaten.

He had thought that it wouldn't be difficult; after all, what was a week or two compared to nearly three months? But there were so many things he had forgotten, so many things he underestimated. He thought the feeling of that gnawing hunger was forever burned in his memory, but it was so much worse once it really set in. Back on the rock he hadn't had to move unless he needed water from the pool of rainwater, while here he was expected to raise sails and row oars and hoist anchors, spending precious energy. Just earlier that day, he had gotten dizzy and swung dangerously in the rigging, barely catching himself before falling to the deck thirty feet below. And it was a mental battle not to simply eat the food he cooked with his own hands, steaming tantalizingly under his nose.

There was another, unexpected consequence: he was unbearably lonely. He'd been lonely on the rock, too, of course, but that was simply because there was no one there, save the old man. Now, he simply didn't trust himself around his crew. Anything he said could tip them off to what he was doing, and he was afraid of them knowing. They would be so mad and upset with him, he _had_ to keep it a secret for as long as he could. Sanji avoided questions and dodged looks, drawing as little attention to himself as possible, and it was driving him crazy. Loneliness was his worst fear after starving, it seemed.

Now Sanji was laying awake, unable to sleep through his stomach's incessant calls for food, food, food. Luffy was stealing, but he was far from the only one. Sanji knew it was irresponsible to let them, but the looks on their faces as the meals shrank every night kept him from objecting. He cursed himself for this weakness, because it was only compounding his problems, but he couldn't overcome it. So he lay there, staring at the ceiling, hunger crawling through his body like a snake that slowly devoured him, piece by piece.

* * *

"Why aren't you eating, Sanji?"

The cook froze in the middle of scouring a pan, tensing. Of course the doctor would notice first; it was his job, after all. He swallowed hard and went back to scouring. The pause had lasted a nanosecond, but he could tell by the way Zoro had stopped eating (the quick, heavy scrapes of his silverware had halted) that he had noticed, the perceptive bastard.

"I always eat after you guys are done," he answered casually.

"No," said Chopper heavily, and everyone else stopped eating as well, looking between the cook and doctor in confusion. "I mean…" Tears had to be welling in his eyes, Sanji could hear it in his voice. "How long have you been starving yourself, Sanji?"

Sanji didn't turn around. He couldn't. He didn't want to see their faces, shocked or horrified or angry as they may be. He couldn't face them; it was a physical impossibility.

"I'm not," he lied, so quietly it was obvious.

Chopper was really crying now. "Why didn't I notice it before?" he wailed. "Sanji! Oh, Sanji!"

The rest of the crew broke out of their stupors then. A fork fell to a plate-perhaps Robin had dropped it?-Nami gasped quietly, Usopp was sputtering as he tried to find something to say, and Zoro started yelling about sacrificial idiots.

Then a chair scraped across the floor, and by the way the crew fell silent, Sanji knew it was Luffy's.

The cook gripped the edges of the sink and squeezed his eyes shut, fearing what would come next.

"Sanji," said Luffy slowly, voice low. "How long have you been doing this?"

Sanji swallowed again. "About a week," he admitted, voice barely over a whisper.

"And you knew we've all been stealing food?"

A nod.

Luffy put his hand on Sanji's shoulder, and the chef flinched away. "Why?"

"Because the food would last longer that way."

"You could have eaten the food we've been sneaking."

"I want you all to be well fed," he answered simply.

"Sanji," said Luffy sternly. "We're nakama. If anyone's starving, we're all starving together."

Sanji's body shuddered at the thought, and his knees gave out beneath him, so that he was kneeling in front of Luffy. "You don't know," he moaned. "You don't know what you're saying!"

"I don't care!" Luffy's voice was so strong that Sanji finally looked at him. His face was stern, but his eyes were infinitely worried. "You're not doing this any longer!"

Sanji couldn't take anymore. Tears fell down to drip off his chin, and he buried his face in the crook of his elbow. He was terrified of what could happen, but he was also relieved. Luffy's calm assurance told him that everything would be okay, somehow.

After a minute, someone was hugging him. Actually, five people were hugging him. He still couldn't look at them, but their touch dispelled the loneliness and hopelessness he'd been feeling. Zoro was the only one not hugging him, but once the others released him, he felt a rough hand rest briefly on his shoulder and heard a muttered, "Idiot."

The crew went back to the table and scooped everything they hadn't eaten onto a plate, then brought it to him. Sanji dried his face, then finally turned to look at them, smiling wryly. Luffy gave the plate to him, and he took it and started eating, slowly at first and gaining in momentum. The crew touched his shoulder lightly or smiled at him before dispersing to other parts of the ship, until only Luffy was left. The rubberman sat down next to the blonde and watched him eat with satisfaction.

"Don't ever do that again," he said sternly, and Sanji smiled around a forkful.

"Aye aye, captain."

**The End**

* * *

Ignore that the Strawhats have gone without food before without Sanji taking such drastic measures, please. ^^


	28. Punishment

**Title:** Worth the Trouble

**Theme:** Punishment

**Words:** 1,234 (I know, right? I'm THAT awesome; XP)

**Rating:** K+ (curse Patty)

**Warnings:** One curse and fluff

**Notes:** So, the one before this one and this one were really posted several weeks apart, so the first readers weren't subjected to a whole lot of fluff at once. Anyway, this was inspired by how Sanji always feeds people and seems to have an easy time making friends even when he doesn't necessarily want them. And on a side note, I finally watched episode 427, is it? When Zeff smiles at Sanji I had a little fangirl freakout fluff fit. XP

**Summary:** Only hungry thieves bypassed the cash register for an apple crate.

**

* * *

**

Worth the Trouble

By Dandy Wonderous

Patty found him in the storage room trying to break open a crate of apples. He grabbed the thief, a boy of only fourteen or fifteen, by the collar of his shirt and dragged him, kicking and flailing, out through the kitchen and into the dining room, cussing and berating as he did so. "Bastard, trying to take our food without paying, huh? I'll teach you!"

Patty took him to the door and punched him hard in the face, splitting his lip and causing his cheek to start swelling rapidly. Then he tossed him out onto the deck, ignoring the thud as he hit his shoulder, hard, on the planks. Then, with a final barrage of cussing, Patty retreated to the kitchen.

Sanji watched all this take place from where he was on his step stool (still being too short to see over the counter properly on his own), working on a curry dish for table nineteen. He saw the boys eyes throw longing glances at the customers' food as Patty carried him past, his face colored with humiliation, shame, and desperation as Patty called him a thief.

The young chef looked away from the scene and stared down at his curry. What kind of thief would bypass money for apples? A hungry one, of course.

He put on the finishing touches and picked up the plate. But instead of putting it on the tray to go to table nineteen, he slipped past the other chefs unnoticed (there were advantages to being short) and escaped through the door to the deck.

The boy was still there, dejectedly slumped against the side of the ship. The little lifeboat he had shown up in, badly weatherworn, floated across from him, but he hadn't boarded yet. He looked up defiantly as Sanji rounded the corner, then his eyes lit up at the sight of the food. He tried not to seem anxious. "What'd'ya want? Come ta kick me out too, huh?"

Sanji fought the urge to scowl at the boy's hostility, instead keeping his face neutral as he shoved the plate forward, like a peace offering. "Here."

The boy twitched as though to grab for the plate, then hesitated. "What're ya talkin' about? I can't pay for that!"

Sanji shrugged, still holding the plate out to him. "I don't care. Take it."

The boy seemed torn between skepticism and hunger. "What kinda poison did ya lace it with?"

"I didn't lace it with anything. Just take the curry."

Finally the boy could no longer fight his hunger. He grabbed the plate and pulled it away from Sanji, then started eating with gusto.

"Slow down," Sanji cautioned. "You'll make yourself sick!"

The boy ignored him, inhaling the food rapidly. Sanji stayed to make sure he didn't choke himself.

Once the plate had been literally licked clean (normally Sanji would have abhorred such behavior, but this time he didn't object), the boy leaned back in satisfaction. "That was delicious! Who made it?"

"I did."

"Get outta here."

"Craphead. I'm serious!"

The boy looked up at him, eyebrow raised. "Ain't you a little young to be cookin' here?"

Sanji scowled and grouchily pulled out a cigarette. "That's none of your business."

The boy seemed surprised that a kid younger than him was smoking, openly even, but shrugged it off. "Well, thank you, then." He stared off at the ocean for awhile, then added hesitantly, "That was my first meal in almost a week."

Sanji grinned around his cigarette. "Then you're lucky you drifted here."

"More like I'm lucky you were here." He continued to stare off into space, then suddenly looked worried. "Hey, won't ya get in trouble for helpin' me?"

"Nah, don't worry about it. I-"

He was cut off by a sudden heavy hand on his shoulder and a familiar voice growling, "Well, what do we have here? Didn't I say he couldn't have no food 'cause he ain't got no money?"

Sanji turned to scowl up at Patty. "It's none of your business," he spat.

Patty glared at him, then looked at the boy. "Oi, you! Get out of here!"

The boy looked apologetically at Sanji, then got up and jumped into his little boat. He started to shove off.

"No, wait!" Sanji yelled. "Don't just leave in that thing, you'll die!"

"Shut up, kid," Patty growled, carrying him, squirming, by the back of his shirt. "I'll take you to Owner, he'll know what to do with you."

He carried Sanji into the restaurant and tossed him unceremoniously into the crew's quarters, telling him to wait for his punishment there.

Sanji sulked on a bed, unregretful but a little afraid. He knew giving the starving boy food was the right thing to do, but now he wondered what Zeff would do to him. He'd never given away a customer's food like that.

After he'd been alone for about a tense hour he started to get really worried. He had expected Zeff to come in and kick him a few times for stealing, but if he still hadn't appeared than Sanji must really be about to get it. So when the door finally opened he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"So, little eggplant, I hear you got in trouble with Patty."

Sanji scowled, trying not to appear afraid. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"He says you stole some food. I know you know better than that." He took a few menacing steps forward, face stony. His peg leg tapped ominously on the floor as he approached the young cook.

"He was starving!" Sanji excused. "He hadn't eaten in a week!"

Zeff ignored him, raising a hand as he drew up to him, and Sanji winced automatically.

The hand came to rest on his shoulder, and he looked up at the old man in confusion.

Zeff was… not exactly smiling, but he didn't look angry like Sanji had been expecting. "I know, eggplant. I saw the whole thing."

Sanji blinked. "So… I'm not in trouble?"

Zeff gave a barking laugh. "No, you're not in trouble." He stooped a little, so he was looking Sanji straight in the eye. "We understand what he felt better than anyone, eh?"

Involuntarily Sanji shuddered; it wasn't something he liked to think about. "I guess so." He was silent a moment, then asked, "What happened to the boy?"

"I got him put on a merchant ship that agreed to take him back to his island. Seems he was on a ship that was wrecked in a storm, and he just barely managed to climb onto that lifeboat."

Sanji sighed happily. "Well, that's good."

Zeff nodded in agreement. He released Sanji's shoulder and straightened, then started for the door. "Now that that's cleared up, we've got work to do. Come on, eggplant."

Sanji hopped off the bed and followed him, stopping when the old man turned to look at him suddenly. "Eggplant. What you did today was right. You never deny someone who's starving food, not even if they're your enemy. You got that?"

Sanji nodded. "Got it."

"Good. Now come on, we've got a full house and all our waiters quit again."

Sanji rolled his eyes. "Wimps." Then he followed Zeff back to the kitchen.

When he glanced out the porthole, he could just see a ship disappearing into the horizon, a lone figure standing at the railing and waving back at him.

**The End**

* * *

That, sadly, is the last of the Zeff/Sanji stuff for this challenge. Depressing, I know…

Yumi: 1) Honestly, "defeat" didn't give me a single angsty thought. Shocking, I know. Lol. XD 2) Oh, me too!!! I would squee happily and die. ^^ Haha, you make money how you can sometimes. XP Omg, that would be CRAZY!!! Hahaha!!! 3) Aww, thanks so much!!! I love this series for this reason, too. Me too, I hope we never see him in pain like this. T_T Oh, good, I like thinking of it that way. ^^

TickleTickle: Woot, dance away!! *dances* Thanks so much! ^^

Everyone else, I will get to replying to your reviews soon! As soon as I remember whose I ended on last time was replying… XP


	29. Sword

**Title:** Bad Form

**Theme:** Sword

**Words:** 483

**Rating:** K

**Warnings:** Sanji fail?

**Notes:** I wrote this while at a choir concert (time was running out and I wrote where I could). Apparently, writing while listening to junior high kids attempt Latin and French does weird things to my writing style. I don't really like it, but as I said, I was running out of time and took what I got.

**Summary:** Sanji just needs a little more practice…

**

* * *

**

Bad Form

By Dandy Wonderous

Another day, another marine attack. The blood and discarded weapons of the fallen were littered all over the _Sunny_, and thus the Strawhats industriously set to cleaning. Sanji, of course, was cleaning his kitchen, which had been invaded by marines who met a very swift defeat by his foot. Anyone who tried to "help" (translated as, "get in his way or raid his fridge") was immediately kicked into a wall or given a refreshing drink and told that beauties such as they shouldn't be cleaning.

It was in the midst of this task that our young cook happened upon a dropped marine sword under the dining room table. His immediate conclusion was to toss the thing into the sea, but, in a rather uncharacteristic moment of consideration, he remembered that Zoro and Brooke sometimes used extra blades for sparring practice. Deciding that they might have use for it, he made to take it to them, holding it somewhat awkwardly by the hilt. Carelessly he twisted his wrist, swinging the blade in a crescent.

Swish.

Hmm?

Swish.

Swish.

Curious.

Sanji gave the sword a few more experimental swings, enjoying the feel as the blade fought the air. Finding it strangely fun, he slashed and cut at several imagined foes.

Abruptly he stopped himself, realizing that he was being completely and utterly foolish. Getting this wrapped up by an overgrown knife? Why, this was the swordsman's shtick!

He stared at the offending blade for several more seconds, wondering if perhaps he should just throw the thing into the ocean. He started to walk forward once more, then halted. He _had_ effectively chased off every member of the crew with his foul mood, and he'd give it a good fifteen minutes before even Luffy bothered him again.

Sweeping the area cautiously with his eyes in case there might be some spy hidden away, he raised the sword again. Using his experience from so many fights with the marimo as his guide, he began an imagined duel with a cruel and evil king who kept fair maidens locked away in his basement. Sanji parried and lunged like a good prince should, in his imagination, to save the beautiful women and receive nothing but their thanks, which he hoped to be rather physical.

He had nearly vanquished the evil king and claimed his well-deserved reward when the door opened and someone entered. The brave warrior did not have time to react casually, being in mid-thrust, and stumbled forward, his natural sea legs the only thing keeping him upright.

Sanji looked hesitantly over his shoulder and beheld Zoro, watching him with a bemused expression. After several seconds of silence, the laughing swordsman offered the embarrassed cook some advice:

"Your form is horrible. Stop flailing around like Luffy trying to catch a beetle."

After he was gone Sanji promptly threw the blade into the sea.

**The End**

* * *

See? Weird things…


	30. Barrel

**Title:** Russian Roulette

**Theme:** Barrel

**Words:** 319

**Rating:** K+

**Warnings:** Language (Dang it, Sanji, Zoro, upping the ratings… XP)

**Notes:** This was the result of several things. I have a sort of romanticized obsession with Russian Roulette. I just find something that arbitrarily deadly… I dunno, exciting. XP This was also a chance to make Sanji really cool. And it's a little homage to the fact that the wonderfully talented Hiroaki Hirata also voices my favorite video game character, Balthier, in Japan. This is something I could see him doing. And he would win, and then shoot the other guy. Or more likely, shoot the other guy before he even had a chance to pull the trigger. XD

**Summary: **Let's play a little game…

**

* * *

**

Russian Roulette

By Dandy Wonderous

Sanji stared down the barrel of the gun disinterestedly. "What do you plan to do with that?"

The marine was nervous, obviously a new recruit. His hands shook, rattling the gun. "I'm gonna kill you, pirate scum!"

The blonde blew a long string of smoke out his nose. "Oh really?"

"Y-yeah. Really!"

Sanji smirked. "If you have enough bullets, of course."

"It'll only take one to blow your head off."

"So they say, but do you even have that many?"

The marine's face paled almost imperceptibly, and Sanji's grin broadened. "I know I don't use those much, but even _I_ know that you should keep up with your ammo in a combat situation."

"I'm sure I have… one left," the marine said with a gulp. Sanji knew his bluff was paying off.

"Then how about a game of Russian Roulette?" the cook proposed.

"Huh?"

"Russian Roulette," he repeated. "You pull the trigger. If you win, I die. If you lose, I kick your shitty ass to kingdom come. Or you can decline and just run away now."

The marine actually took half a stumbling step back, fearful of the dangerous glint in the pirate's eyes. But then he steeled himself and nodded. "Alright, then."

Sanji smirked haughtily at him, but in his mind he was cursing his big mouth. "Try it, then."

The marine hesitated for half a second longer, then pulled the trigger.

A rubber hand caught the bullet that hurtled for Sanji's head and sent it ricocheting off into the distance. Before the marine could realize what happened, the back of a sword had slammed into his head, knocking him out.

"Stupid shitcook. You know your luck sucks ass."

Sanji took a calming drag of his cigarette, the close brush with death rattling him a tiny bit. He scowled at the swordsman before ruffling Luffy's hair absently. "Good thing I've learned to make my own luck, then."

**The End**

* * *

Well, that's all, folks! I hope you all enjoyed these as much as I (usually) enjoyed writing them. The next challenge starts tomorrow, and I'm doing SaNa this time, so you'll see me come back in the beginning of March with a whole slew of romantic mushiness. ^^

Until then, this is Dandy Wonderous, signing off.

P.S: If you're on livejournal and you think you've got what it takes to win the Gold Roger award, you better hurry with your claim, cuz like I said, posting starts tomorrow, and I already have one done. Oooo, what now? XD


End file.
